Friday, February 27, 2009

TC: Haynesworth Exclusive

Whatever issues anyone may have about Albert Haynesworth not being a character guy need to be put to rest. I had the chance to meet the guy today after his press and he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy. In the press conference he discussed the issues of his past and I felt he did a great job of putting them to rest stating, "I'm starting a new chapter in my life after my incident and I'm looking forward to adding to it."

I know that we can talk all we want about the potential that this guy has but one thing is for sure, Haynesworth is enormous. Standing 6'6" and 320 lbs and when I shook his hand (no lie) his fingers and thumb touched with ease. Anyway, today was a fun experience for me (even though I posted a picture of Shaun Rogers earlier) and I hope you enjoy this little clip. 

If anyone would rather read the press conference check out the Redskins Blog.

TC: Haynesworth Presser

Here is a clip of today's press conference with new Redskin Albert Haynesworth. If you want to watch the full interview (20:00+ min) go to Also, check back in about an hour for an exclusive cooleyzone interview with #92. 

Redskins News Today

If you haven't read it anywhere else, the Redskins have made a few major moves today by signing DT Albert Haynesworth, CB DeAngelo Hall, and rumored to have released CB Shawn Springs. We will have more on this later today. But for now, let us know what you think about the situation.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Practice Shorts

I've been working pretty hard over the last couple weeks getting art work ready to put a show together. I can hardly believe that I'm going all the way through with this, but after the school visits the scholarship program was set up completely. I started this painting of myself on Monday (the one below) and I know there is no background, but I feel like I'm done. At least the hard part is finished. This will be the 7th completed project in the last six weeks. I'm hoping to have about 20 for the show/auction. I figured that a few Redskins or Cooley pieces may be really cool, so that's why the practice picture.
Again, what art is sold will be donated to the "Cooley" scholarship program. For this year the goal is to raise 250,000 dollars. Should be exciting.

Also, if anyone knows of a good place to have a show that would be amazing. I'm thinking like hotel ballroom feel or something like that. Really, just some quality open space would be great. Oh yea, free works best for this purpose. Anyways if there are any ideas out there I would love to hear about them. Email subject: Art show building

FWG: Im Tryin' To Get Paid, Straight Cash Homie

I just got this month’s electric bill, and it got me thinking. First off I’m broke. Not “crippled by the economy” broke, more like “Keystone instead of Bud-Light” broke. Now I am graduated from college, making my own way in the world. This includes training to play professionally, which as luck would have it is in the middle of the day. Which makes my “earning” potential somewhat limited because I really can’t work a “real” job because I wouldn’t be able to take a regular shift. Also, who is going to hire someone if they know they will be leaving four months later anyway? But the story was the same when I was in college too. I was lucky enough to come from a family that could give me some spending money here and there, but for most of my teammates it was not the case. UCONN’s policy was that football players shouldn’t have job during the season. Well, then guess what?

I think college athletes should be paid. Let me riddle off some un-researched statistics for you. We get a free education (if we are on scholarship), which is valued at around $125,000 (for 5 years). Universities makes millions of dollars in ticket revenues, merchandising, television appearances (gotta love Wednesday night ESPN). Not to mention priceless exposure for our respective schools through bowl games and national rankings. You can order players' jerseys online or buy them in the book store. But because there is no name on the back, players aren't being exploited?

At UConn, our game jerseys don't have our names on the back, so I'd say that's pretty authentic. But there is some myth in college football that the NCAA and purist fan would like to hold on to: that college athletics (save the Olympics) is the last true form of amateurism. That's an unfair and simply untrue label. The NCAA only wants us to be amateurs when it suits them, just as they only want us to be "Student-Athletes" when it benefits them. What part about being a "student" means missing all your classes on a Tuesday, missing all your classes on a Wednesday, returning at 4am on Thursday, and then being expected to make all of that day's classes--all for the sake of a random Wednesday night game? So what do I suggest? Hold money for players from whom the University profits off their likeness (jersey sales) until after they graduate. And give players a stipend that allows them to live a normal college life outside of football. Holding a job and playing Division I is simply not an option. But some of my teammates can't afford to go out on the weekends or order food on a Saturday night. I don't want to paint a picture of the "unfortunate athletes" because we do get a lot of benefits (free gear, best food, chartered planes...oh, education), but something has to be done here. I have teammates who go out and rush for 200 or have 18 tackles, but at the end of the night can’t afford to grab a pizza with their friends? It just doesn’t’ seem right.

But I wanna know what YOU think. Comment here or Email
For all I know maybe I'm pissing in the wind here. Am I a spoiled-pampered college athlete?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fatpickle: Sheriff Cooley

I'd recognize that tallywhacker anywhere, it's Cooley poking thru again!

When I first heard that Chris was up for the part of the Sheriff in Ghosts Don't Exist, my immediate thought was of Alex Karras in Porky's. Karras was an ex-NFL player who parlayed his NFL career into 20+ years of acting, a Monday Night Football gig, plus a few years as a professional wrestler. He played the role of the crooked Sheriff in Porky's (the original American Pie.)

So while Chris may not think he's great in front of the camera and may not have big aspirations for his one line in a movie, I would remind him that Karras got his start by grunting a line or two in Blazing Saddles. "Mongo straight, Mongo like candy." In fact, if they ever remake Blazing Saddles Chris should read for Mongo, he'd be awesome. And if that role led to a remake of Webster with CC in the dad's role, well then that would be priceless.

On to the wrestling. We all know CC won a State championship as a high school wrestler, so faking a few moves in the squared circle should be gravy. He might want to go legit and do a little MMA action (Michael Westbrook needs better competition), but I recommend the WWE. Vladimir would make a great manager!

So, now it's time for you to get involved. Answer these 2 questions in the comment section.

If you could remake a movie, what roles would you put Chris in?

My picks: Mongo from Blazing Saddles, Irwin "Fletch" Fletcher, and Oger from Revenge of the Nerds.

If CC was a professional wrestler, what would you name him? (Capt. Chaos we all know)

My picks: Crouching Tiger Hidden Cooley, The Sharter (the finishing move is brutal,) The Leesburg Joker

We will review your comments for the best roles and names for the next 5 days. The winners will receive:

1st place = 8 x 10 autographed photo of Fatpickle

2nd place = 8 x10 autographed photo of Vladimir

3rd place = something signed by CC via Fatpickle

Cheers and Hail

Me and Ovi

Isn't photoshop fun.  And wow!  What an amazing job they did on these, really it's hard to tell that it isn't us in the pictures.  I'm gonna have a pretty hard time convincing Christy that I'm not in love with Ovi.

I personally think that I look best in Demi Moore's body.  I guess Tanner and I learned our lesson about messing with Sidney Crosby.  They taught us and we will never do that again.

This was done by the commenters from Not the actual site owners of

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

After Caps Loss to Philly

Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

FWG: Interview With Patriots Covergirl

I have known Ryann Murray for 5 years. She was on our dance team, I used to date her best friend, and we have been close friends ever since. Ryann is also a Patriots cheerleader, and was on the cover of this years calender. She's a big fan of Thoughts From a Fat White Guy, and said she'd be happy to an interview. Enjoy.

How did you know me at UConn?

You are one of my oldest friends at UConn, Rob. My roommates and I met you and your friends freshman year and immediately we all became close friends. I think us girls were instantly won over by the big tough football players, more specifically you, who knew all the words to the Elmo Christmas song. We also got to see each other often being that you played football and I was on the dance team. You were always someone I could count on to share a good meal and hysterical conversation with!

Whats the best part about being a Cheerleader?

Honestly there are so many great things about being a cheerleader that it is hard to pinpoint just one. One of the things I love about cheering in general is the opportunity to perform in front of crowds of people. Whether their team is winning or losing, cheerleaders are there to keep the crowd entertained and enthusiastic about the game. Cheerleaders have the chance to smile at and perform for their fans, and just hearing everyone cheer back at you after you do something great is the best feeling in the world. More specifically, being a professional cheerleader gave me the chance to take all those great things and multiply them by 1,000. Compared to my past performing experiences, the crowds you get to dance for are bigger, louder, more positive, and especially with the New England fans, they really make you feel loved!

Would you ever date a fan?

If by this question you mean do I put Patriots fan as one of my top three qualities in a man, then no.(FWG INTERJECTION: Of course not, she's a giants fan).I am attracted to guys who have great personalities that can mold to fit many different situations. For example, I like when a guy can be outgoing and humorous, but also laid back and easygoing. I am also very attracted to motivation, and enjoy being with someone who is willing to overcome a challenge or two to get where they want to be in life. Usually a highly driven person also translates to someone who is busy and independent, and that fits well with my lifestyle.

I know you are a Giants fan at heart, hows that go-over at Foxborough?

Yes I am a Giants fan, but I do not really think it is anything that I should be afraid to share with my New England fans. I am from New Jersey, grew up in a family of all Giants fans, and lived my whole life about 30 minutes from Giants Stadium where I got to see my first NFL game. The Giants are a great team, with no cheerleaders though, and are not usually considered huge rivals with the Patriots. I could see if I was a Jets fan it being a bigger issue. I also don't think it would go over well with my family if I was cheering for the Cowboys or Eagles!

I remember I made the mistake of asking some family at my first promotional appearance, "So are you guys big Patriots fans?" You would have thought I asked if the sky was blue, and despite the fact that I was in Maine, the fans were just as die hard as those who live in Foxborough.

So yes, I am officially now a Giants AND a Patriots fan and proud of it. I think people would have to think less of me if I suddenly dropped being a Giants fan just because I am cheering in New England. Besides, being a Yankees fan causes me a lot more grief up here than being a Giants fan!

What are your pet peeves?

When people make fun of New Jersey, but all they have seen of NJ is the parkway!

Is it true that I once broke a chair in your apartment simply by sitting on it?

Oh yes it is! It was junior year of college, and my roommate and I had just gotten settled into our new apartment. I was a little bit obsessed with buying furniture for our place and bought this chair that I could put together myself. It was a wood frame, with a cushion seating that kind of rocked. Many people were successful when they tried sitting on it, and I was very proud of my handy work. And then you came by to see our new place and to visit. Two minutes later, you were lying in a pile of wood and the chair was demolished. It took me awhile to get over that. In fact, thanks for bringing it up...

How did it feel to get on the cover? How does your boyfriend feel about you posing? How about your dad?

My family and boyfriend were aware that I went for a week to shoot a swimsuit calendar, so I think they were at least prepared to see me in a bathing suit in a calendar. But each of us was truly stunned when we found out I was on the cover this year. When we had our photo shoot in Punta Cana last April, it was one to two hours long for each girl, and hundreds of pictures were taken. We were able to see a few photos off of our photographer's camera right after the shoot, but that was about it. Then months later, it was revealed to us which picture and pose, out of all the ones we took, was going to go in the calendar. This was the first shock, as I hadn't previously seen the picture they chose. I couldn't believe how nice everyone's pictures came out.

Then a few days later we were all contacted with who the 2009 cover girl was going to be. I was actually alone in my apartment when I received the message. I was in total shock and really never thought I'd get such an amazing opportunity. I truly believe that any of the ladies' photos could have been the cover shot, as they all came out gorgeously. I suggest you go get yourself a calendar!

I immediately saw that my picture was posted on the cheerleader homepage as well, and knew I had to call and tell my family before they stumbled on it. My parents were somewhat shocked, but were so happy for me. My mom focused right away on the minute details, like "ooo I like your earrings". Like my parents, my boyfriend had a similar reaction of being shocked at first, but then told me he loved the picture, and said how cool an opportunity this was for me.

If you could be one superhero what would it be?

Thats a tough question. I have always wanted to fly, so my superhero would definitely be able to fly. I'd have to say probably Batman because none of his powers are supernatural. He has strength, can kind of be invisible, and can fly, all without having to worry about some un-natural blood running through his body. If you asked me 15 years ago, Kimberly the pink Power Ranger would have definitely been my answer, even though my sister always got to be her. I always played Trini because of my naturally dark hair, but I did always want to be the gymnast one.

Whats one thing that every fan should know that they dont't?

Some other quick interesting facts are: my sister is a professional NBA dancer for the New York Knicks, Derek Jeter was born in my hometown (check his baseball card!), and I have legally had my name changed. I was born Ryan, until my mom added an extra "N" a little while after, to make it look more feminine. Oh yea, and my dad looks pretty much identical to Pierce Brosnan (James Bond) and frequently gets stopped for autographs.

Monday, February 23, 2009

TC: Sidney Crosby wa wa wa wa

Sidney Crosby is good at talking shit, Alex Ovechkin is good at hockey. I didn't realize this until yesterday when I thought that I was going to see two of the greats in the NHL. I saw one who is great and he was wearing a red jersey. The other one, I saw him cry like a 7 year old who got beat up by the school yard bully. Maybe he's mad that Ovechkin has 20 more goals than him. Or maybe because his team won't make the post season. Either way, Sidney wasn't holding in his frustration...

After the game, #87 decided to complain some more stating that he didn't like Ovechkin's post goal celebrations. As for Ovechkin, "He talks too much."

Also, an attempt to share some insight to the UWC even on Saturday night. I know plenty of people thought that Ovi was a little too standoffish to the fans at the event but that isn't entirely true. I watched the guy smile for 100 plus pictures and sign just as many autographs. What's wrong with having a good time with some buddies, trying to focus on the game, and not be overly excited to gladhand the 6,000 in attendance? 

Sporting News
DC Sports Bog
Puck Daddy

Man O War

UWC is awesome on TV, as far as being at a sporting event in person, this one is the shit. Tanner arranged 10 tickets in the VIP area on the floor, so me and the hockey guys made it out to the Patriot center. T feels big time for putting the night together and says to me last night "I brought the biggest football player in DC and the best hockey player in the world to the same event! Together!" He sorta has an in, but kind of a big deal for a Utah kid.

I do have to admit, it was cool as hell to sit and watch the fight with Ovechkin, Mike Green, Backstrom and Brashear. I was even trying to talk them into a little exhibition fight before everything got going. Well, everyone but Brashear, he would probably dominate me. I mean, I think I would be good if I could wrestle him down, but I really don't want him to punch me in the face.

So the whole night was cool as hell, I actually had to drive myself, which was a bummer because Kenny Powers says celebrities have their own drivers and it's stupid if they show up by themselves. I was even lamer in Kenny's book when I had to stand outside in the freezing cold for 25 minutes waiting for the limo to show up. When the limo guy says six minutes till he gets there, it means nothing. Dude's probably lost and hoping to sound good. Speaking of limo guys, why the hell aren't they better drivers. It seems like every time I take a limo the guy fucks up somehow and I end up spending double the time in the car as I would have driving myself. Really, limo guys, why cant you have a better game plan? "I'm a goddamn American icon, figure out the route!"
So after my limo greeting job we made it down to the seats. The seats ten feet from the cage! At that point before the show started I made my biggest mistake, the UWC guys asked me and the Caps if we would go up in the cage and do an interview. Although the interview went fine, I may as well have put on a purple dinosaur costume and carried around one of the bikini, round card holding girls around on my shoulder, because fitting into the crowd was no longer an option. In a way I was stoked that I did get crazy cheers in the ring and a ton of "Cooley" chants, but after I sat down the photograph/autograph bombardment was on. I telling you right now, it was on. I'm probably blowing up Facebook albums, because there is no way I took less than 300 pictures. I do have a new favorite fan encounter though. It goes something like this "Just shake my hand! Cooley! Just a fucking handshake! Please! Cooley! I'll just wait, whenever your ready. Just a handshake."

Ok, so I know I'm starting to sound like a bitch, I could have just went Ovi style. Straight face, don't mess with my shit, there is absolutely no way I'm turning my head and smiling for your picture. I just almost feel guilty, every one's so excited.Once we got into the fights everything pretty much settled down. There were some pretty bad ass highlights. The third fight was a girl fight, which was awesome! The ugly girl got here face swollen all up and the hot one got her red panties pressed up against the cage the whole time. Bomb! I saw three different guys get knocked completely out, knees to the face, elbows to the head, the whole works. Those fighters have to be completely crazy to think that's a fun time. I guess if you figure you can kick ass every time it might be pretty cool, but taking so many violent blows to the face and head cannot be very good for quality of life.
So again, thanks Tanner for setting everything up. I want to thank the UWC guys and Brian Bishop for having us, it was a great time. I can't wait till it comes back.

check out

Friday, February 20, 2009

FWG: Read Between the Lines

Any casual football fan knows that there is a language associated with football. To some this is as foreign as speaking Mandarin, to others it is like their native tongue. I’m sure that many a girlfriend has been confused by a couch camping boyfriend talking about “up and outs” and “Hail Marys” or maybe even a “hook and ladder.” Even beyond play calling there are “3 and outs”, “ 3rd and longs” or “2nd and short.” And maybe more confusing still could be phrases like “we beat ourselves,” “We were trying to do too much” and “he made the wrong reads.” Probably the most difficult is the last, which are most often said during the post game press-conference. Well I am here to be your North Star, your “guiding light.” So without further ado, I give you:
The FWG’s guide to reading between the lines.

“We beat ourselves tonight”
-An incredibly polite way of saying, the other team sucked. That other team had no business beating us, and yet they did. Coaches/players saying “Holy shit. How did that happen? Might be time to update the resume.”

“The Turk is coming…”
-An utterance around NFL training camps and college football academic centers. The “Turk” is a mythological creature which descends on training camps to tell players their dream is up, they have been cut. Coach wants to see you, brining your clip board. Game over. In college, this is the academic advisor who tells you that “…you’ve failed to pass 12 hours” or “you’re up for dismissal…” In either case, back your bags.

“He was trying to do to much”
Lets face it. Some people are cut out to be the hero (Ryan Leaf, my heart goes out to you). In critical situations, with the pressure mounting some guys can just cut it, they can put the game on their shoulders and will their teams to victory. Others…well…can’t. They try and they fail, they force plays that don’t work. In other words, they are “trying to do to much.”

“This game is the most important game, because it’s the one we’re playing right now”
Let me solve this mystery right now. Some games ARE easier than other. And some ARE more important than others. And while you shouldn’t look ahead some games you just have circled. Want an example of this? Ask any Army Alumnus which is more important? Beating Akron or beating Navy? While some might say that's strictly for the fans, some of this definitely transfers to the players.

"No Comment"
Oh I have comments alright, believe me I do. But I've been told by a) people who pay me b) people I pay or c) my mom not to say anything. There are a lot of issues pro athletes have opinions on (ie. Vick) but you risk inheriting a media shit storm if you say any thing that disrupts the status-quo. On one hand, you've avoided a hassle, but on the other you come across as an meat head (gotta love perpetuating that stereotype)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Cooley Scholarship Fund

Photo Ned Dishman

Chris kicked off the eight school Education Fund tour at Fairmont Heights High School in Capitol Heights yesterday by sharing with the students that even though the NFL was always his dream, it wasn't always a reality.
"I'm here to talk about education and... how it's helped me get where I am," Cooley said. "This is my opportunity to help others. This is truly what matters to me.

I was always a good student. When I was younger, my parents got divorced. My mom went back to college; she became a teacher. She's been my biggest role model. I wanted to be a teacher. I thought it was the most awesome thing in the world."
This is the message we are trying to share with the students, that education is the most important thing in their young lives. And to show that, Chris is giving $5,000 to each school's academic program, and a senior from each will receive a $25,000 scholarship from the fund. The schools chosen to benefit from the Chris Cooley Education Fund were selected based on financial need, diversity, location, graduation rates and test scores.
"I really want to be involved in the community, and this scholarship program was part of the plan. I'm excited about it. I think it's going to be very cool."
Like we mentioned before, if you would like to help us out, we are going to be having an art show in May and will be auctioning off Chris's art and that of local artists and students. If you would just like to donate to the cause, please make checks payable to "DC College Success Foundation" and in the memo write "Chris Cooley Scholarship Fund." And you will need to hang onto your checks for now as we are awaiting an address to send them.

Also, while at Fairmont Heights, I gave my camera to a couple of students in attendance and asked them to take it around to see what others thought of the assembly. Some gave a great response while others used the air time for different purposes. Either way, we told them to check the blog cause they would be here you go. Enjoy.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

TC: Fat White Guy in the News

A few weeks ago many of you read your first post from someone we call "Fat White Guy." I know that some of you are still getting used to his style and so are we. Rob Lunn, over the phone, seems like a really cool guy and we like his style. When we started the blog we had no rhyme or reason to what we wrote about. We just said it would be a cool way to interact with fans and generate a little extra income for charities and me continuing my education. The great thing about all of this is that has come true. It has also done much much more. From watching the video below you will learn that similar things have happened to our friend FWG.

As this website/blog continues to evolve, we encourage you to bear with us along the way. Thanks to everyone who has been with us since the beginning and to those who made their first visit to the site today. Most importantly, please keep coming back.

Monday, February 16, 2009

19w Announces a Greenlight for "Ghosts Don't Exist"

After spending most of 2008 raising funds, 19th & Wilson is pleased to announce that Ghosts Don't Exist is moving into preproduction phase (with production slated for May of this year). Thus far, production locations will be in the Metro DC area. 19W is now accepting applications for crew (gaffers, grips, Pas, etc.). Soon we will announce the date for casting calls, which will most likely be in March.

We are excited about the production and feel it creates an opportunity in the DC area for indie film and other businesses that support the arts. Having said that, we are now seeking restaurants/caterers to sponsor a day of food for our film in exchange for credit and publicity. We plan to have certain days when media (such as the popular ESPN show E60) will be on set—this would be great exposure for a local restaurant. Any other businesses that feel they could help the production—please do not hesitate to contact us.

We would like to thank all who continue to support us, and especially thank the following people who have signed on and made the production possible:

Drew Crowder, NVblu, Inc./
Edwin Espejo, Unisys
John Duffy, Compass Group
Pete Buttecali, Woodpile Studios
Uncle Art Bond
Rob and Bonnie Huie
Nitin Adsul, Darrel Cox, Clark McMillian of East West Films
Jason Fabini, Washington Redskins
Jason Cole, DC Hosts

FWG: Training for the NFL Combine

Typically a college athlete will train at a facility with which his respective agent has a "relationship." This relationship means that the agent will send his clientel there, year after year. If you want to delve further into this, I highly suggest the book, "The Draft" in which Pete Williams follows several college football players from the end of their season, through agent selection, combine prep and then eventually the 2004 NFL Draft.

But, back to the combine. We train day in and day out for what amounts to about 10 minutes of work. The bench test, pro-agility, L-Drill and the all important 40 yard dash (where fortunes can be made or lost...4.9 Maurice Clarett? C'mon).

Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Final Products

When it comes to painting I'm really good at starting them but not at finishing.  I probably have 25 half painted canvasses in my closet and at some time in all of them I got pissed off and quit.  I know that, by no means, I'm any kind of great artist, but I had a blast doing this and I'm way proud of myself for not quitting the projects.
Also, sometime in May I am doing a charity art show.  I am going to try and raise enough money to give $25,000 scholarships to eight local students who would have a hard time paying for it any other way.  The art show will consist of over 20 of my own pieces of art ranging from paintings to drawings and even pottery.  If any other artists are interested in donating a piece of art to be displayed and sold in the show please contact the website. (

In preparation for the scholarship program I will be speaking at eight local schools this week.  I want to encourage students to value education, as it has greatly benefited me in my life. For every school I visit, I will be donating $5,000 dollars to be used for education.  It should be an interesting week because I'm a little nervous to be standing up at a bunch of high school assemblies. I am however, very excited to be able to meet so many young people in our community. When all is said and done, the Washington Redskins Charitable Foundation and myself will be selecting the eight students who will receive, "The Cooley Scholarship." I am very excited for this project and I think it will be a huge success.

If anyone would like to make a donation, they can do so by sending a check or artwork to:

Redskins co/Chris Cooley
21300 Redskin Park Drive
Ashburn, VA 20147

Friday, February 13, 2009

My Pro Bowl Top 19

I learned a lot of fun new things this last week in Hawaii.  Here are some quick observations.
  1. Even though Jason Witten plays for the Cowboys and I still can't stand to see him catch the ball, he is pretty fun to hang out with.
  2. Karaoke only gets better when Dixieland Delight comes on, and I know this may sound a little weird but, but it really gets better when Whitney Houston's - I wanna dance with somebody is playing.
  3. Remember the time when salt got  rubbed in our nose before the shot of tequila and then after, some lime got squirted in our eye.  That was crazy.  I mean it definitely wasn't me doing that, but I learned how it could be done.
  4. Don't give any football players your room number at the JW Marriott. It's really not that hard to anonymously charge to rooms. 1709 Jared Allen.
  5. Wes Welker is awesome.
  6. I can hit the absolute piss out of the new Taylormade Driver.
  7. Colt Brennan is the Tom Brady of Hawaii.
  8. Do not watch that new movie with Dustin Hoffman. The one where his daughter doesn't want him to walk her down the isle. Do not!
  9. Don't try to rent a scooter without a drivers licence.  It wont happen because the scooter shop could get closed down. If you try to give a fake licence make sure that you do it before you tell the guy that you didn't bring your licence, it's more believable that way.
  10. I really wouldn't recommend the prostitutes in Waikiki. Although there are many, I wouldn't plan my trip around it. (Just a quick observation here, by no means can I justify by experience)
  11. Doing football things every day in Hawaii sucks. Yea, yea, that's why were there but, waking up at 7 and 8 every day for practice or pictures or meetings is stupid. Have a two-a-day on the first day, then meet the day before the game and get it over with. I would rather pay for a va-cay than work for it. (I know, I'm a baby)
  12. I know that Jason Mraz song is pretty popular here, but let's talk about playing the shit out of a song.
  13. I'm ecstatic that I don't have to play special teams in a Redskins uniform.  I don't know how closely anyone watched my missed tackle debacle, but apparently I need some practice wrapping someone up. Practice I don't want.
  14. A bagel, some fruit and a picture of coffee costs 47 dollars when you order it to your room.  Seem like kind of a lot.  Best plain bagels in the world though so, I guess your gotta pay!
  15. Who wouldn't have a glass container constantly filled with pineapple pieces and Patron?
  16. Definitely watch Zach and Miri make a porno.  Please respond to the double dutch rutter.
  17. NFL players don't really like to do interviews conducted by other NFL players.  I tried and was embarrassed nearly every time.  "Please Payton, just one more question."  Also, I'm no George Michael.
  18. Winning an extra 20 thousand bucks in the game is a good plan.  Even though the trip is paid for, it's not even close to free.
  19. Hey Jared "143, 447."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Punking Video


Larry Fitzgerald punked me in Hawaii. Getting down to half time, the NFC is trailing 14 to 3 and with only ten seconds on the clock and we're fifty yards out. Of course anything can happen in a Pro Bowl and momentum changes happen nearly every drive. But, up to this point, we hadn't really put anything together and it was looking pretty bad offensively for the Blue. Drew Brees is calling the plays and casually comes into the huddle saying lets give it one more shot before the half.

The play call is 2 Jet all go, meaning of course all go, which in any football terminology is 4 seam routes. Now I'm not looking for the ball by any means, actually with it being the Pro Bowl and all I'm hoping more than anything that he doesn't throw it up to me. Larry on the other hand is an obvious target with one last shot at the end zone. Drew drops back and by the time I've three quarter speed ran 35 yards I'm watching Fitz out jump two defenders for an amazing touchdown. The catch was nothing short of spectacular, but who would expect anything less from 11, he's just that good. It also got us right back in the game as the clock ran out for half time.

I the meantime I'm pretty damn excited and as he caught the ball I had made my way down into the end zone. I just ran a seam route on the other side of the ball from Larry and as he came stumbling along the goal line I would be the first one to get to him. I'm not very big on celebrating, but he was coming right for me and I was pumped, so something was going to have to happen. For some reason I think I was a little awkward because I'm not really a big fan of the jumping side bump and that is what seems to be the common buddy celebration, but I headed nonchalantly toward him waiting for him to initiate some kind of celebration. As he got within five yards I started to raise my hand and even got ready for a little jumping action, right before I left my feet he actually made a sort of juke move and quickly moves around me leaving me hanging. I'm sure on TV it appeared as if he avoided me like some kind of crazy fan in the end zone, not even looking towards me as he passed. Then before I even get fully turned around he is soaring into full chest jumping, loving action with Anquan Boldin. He left me stranded and alone with nothing to do but put my head down and feel like a total ass. I mean what do I do at that point? Go find some lineman running down the field and share an Icky Shuffle with him, I don't think so. At least it was in the end closest to the locker room and I was able to walk straight in.Before I was able to get in the doors Witten and Jared Allen joined me and they couldn't even talk in between gasping laughs. I got to admit it was pretty damn funny and we joked about it throughout the halftime break. I started asking Larry and he just says Anquan's his boy! Anquan said it was dirty though. I told Fitz that the rest of his career it doesn't matter how good he plays, I will never remember anything besides him dumping on me in 09.

Seriously though, who just leaves someone hanging? I know he had to see me coming at him! A low five would have sufficed, now that I think of it I would have even been happy with a wave. I guess next time I'll just have to show off my new tackling, kidney punching, helmet slapping celebration, that'll get him!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Pro Bowl 1

Check back for more tomorrow. Sorry I haven't had a chance to write anything but I promise I will.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Pro Bowl

Hawaii has been awesome, but thank god I'm getting back on the plane tonight. I've spent the last 12 days lost in vacation, I know, it's been really rough and I should feel sorry for myself. What I am going to to is guarantee a three piece recap of the last couple weeks starting at 3 tomorrow. No one should have to spend any time on a computer on vacation and I sure as hell didn't, but back to work when I get home. Hopefully it's good and everyone checks it out. Late.

FWG: Chris Cooley Was In My Bathroom (and I liked it)

Editor's note: I know we posted the Maxim story on August 18, 2008 but we didn't know FWG then and apparently he didn't read our blog. So when he wrote this post I thought it was pretty funny that he just came across the Maxim article now. Enjoy.

Monday morning rolls around and like many of you, I'm sure, rolling out of bed means shaking off the rust from a rough Friday night, a tough Saturday night, and a lazy Sunday. Ahh but such is the plight of the American workforce (don't you just love capitalism).

So I'm out of bed, make my way across a smattering of scattered bodies (alas, some of my roommates are still living the "college dream"), and into my bathroom. Where I sit on my thrown while the water warms up.

This is probably where I do my best thinking. Actually, its where I do ALL my thinking. I grab a Maxim off the stack, and proceed to thumb the pages, not necessarily interested, but surely enjoying some of the eye candy. We'll call it, "food for thought." One thing you have to understand before I proceed is that, well, these magazines are all about a year old. 8 months at their newest. Part of it is that my roomates and I are all broke. And part of it is that we are too lazy to go buy new reading material, so we read, and re-read the same articles in the same 6 magazines over, and over, and over again (somehow, a Cosmo has made its way into the stack).

So there I am this morning, reading the "2008 NFL Preview," when who do I see? That's right. None other than Mr. Cooley himself. Captain Chaos right there on the pages of my beloved Maxim.

I'm not sure how I missed this over the past months, perhaps the haze of the season hid this little treasure from me. At any rate, it was a pleasant surprise. I laughed out loud. Here I am dropping the kids off at the pool, with this bearded gentleman pleasantly smiling back at me from the pages of this border-line-smut-always-entertaining magazine.

I read the short interview, explaining how he got the nick-name "Captain Chaos." Turns out it was an exchange between him and Brian Kozlowski. I'm sure you already know that. What you might NOT know is that Koz is not only a UConn Alum, but also from my home town in Upstate New York (a Suburb of Rochester).

I finished my shower, and headed back to my room where the girlfriend lay, still sleeping. I told her my good fortune (she was less than excited about it).
Because of this, my Monday sucked a little less.

Another note: Hats off to the guys at Maxim who predicted a pro-bowl bid for Chris this season. Well picked, sir(s).

Monday, February 9, 2009

TC: Goin' Green

The Washington Capitals are pretty good. They currently sit at number 2 in the Eastern Conference with 34 wins. Why are they so good? Well there are plenty of reasons but one of those reasons is Mike Green. He has scored 19 goals in 41 games, that tops his previous best of 18 goals which last year he managed in double the games. He is also one game shy of matching the NHL record for most consecutive games with a goal by a defenseman. So ya, he's playing some pretty damn good hockey right now.

All of that is cool in the big scheme of things, but he also scored an empty netter on Saturday night from nearly a mile a way. It was the first shorthanded goal of his NHL career and it happened five feet from where I sat. I was once told that a picture says a thousand words, video tells the rest. So when I saw my picture in Sunday's post and again on the Sports Bog I thought, "Why am I not celebrating!" So I went to the video.

You see, the photo captured a single split second in time that can be looked at an analyzed forever. In reality, that instant was over in 3 seconds and I looked away for one instant and missed the party. So good thing my camera was rolling...

To top the evening off, besides watching some great hockey, I finally accomplished my goal. Leaving the arena with a hockey stick. I have been trying to steal one of Ovechkin's but why steal one when the game's all star lets you have it? So thanks Mike Green, for giving me one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. Also thanks to Eric Shuster for making it happen.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Clinton goes 1 on 1 with Drew Brees

FWG: Why I Hate Mike Tomlin

Okay, so here it is aside he fact the Steelers fans are like Yankees fans, meaning you never hear the end of it, "Greatest franchise this, most titles that...." Telling everyone within ear shot of their own greatness. You know what? I'd rather take a sharp stick to the eye. Go screw.

I live with a DIE HARD Steelers fan. It's like like a small slice of Hell on Earth. Its not even worth arguing any more, I simply sit there keeping to myself, quietly counting all the holes in his argument.

I'm a Bills fan. We started this past season 5-0, and I was just about ready to buy my Super Bowl XLIII Bills Championship Commerative Hat. Then (like always) a monumental collapse. Maybe I should resign to the fact that we simply just peaked in the early 90's (you know its harder to get to the Super Bowl, than it is to win it....). But I've literally been a fan as long as I can remember:That would be me with Bills legendary line Cornelius Bennett and Shane Conlan.

So maybe this isn't so much a post about why I hate Mike Tomlin, and more a post on why I hate myself. I am self-loathing.
But I do hate Tomlin for several reason:
  1. For the next year I will have to listen to my roommate tell me how the Steelers are the best team to ever play football.
  2. Mike Tomlin Hates Santa. 
  3. Mike Tomlin killed my dog.
  4. He looks like Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps) from The Program:

Friday, February 6, 2009

Clinton goes 1 on 1 with Eli

Mullets and more Shark Diving

FWG: Why I'm Still Playing

So while Chris is soaking in Hawaii, I'm getting snowed in, in Upstate New York. Seems Fair. Anyway, got this in the mail-bag, enjoy.

"I was wondering what your motivation was for playing football overseas? Are you getting paid, when are you leaving?" -Jake Smyth

Its a good question. Many Layers. Like an Onion. Layers.
My motivation for playing overseas was this: I wasn't ready to say goodbye to the game just yet. Getting hurt in my final season at UConn and not being able to start my last game at the 'Rent and in the Bowl was not the way I wanted to go out.

I figured that this would be a way to see Europe, and maybe "give back" a little of what I have taken.
Give Back you say? What do you mean?....
Well, part of going to play in Austria means that I will be also involved in spreading the game to local kids and teaching them the finer points of football (read: the finer points of being fat and white). I can't wait.

Earlier this year I said that I was the last person that would play anywhere but the NFL. Direct quote: "I'd play in the NFL but I won't bang around the
CFL or Arena just to come up short." Well, now look at me. The truthful answer is this, until the final whistle blows on your last game, in the twilight of your career, you can't make that call. You won't understand the emotion that accompanies it being over. Really over. My final whistle came, and I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Unfortunately my on field performance didn't warrant a direct ticket to the NFL. So this was a great opportunity for me. (that answer is way more than you wanted, isn't it?)

Yes. I am getting paid. In Euros. It's not a lot, but its enough for me to be playing 5,000 miles from home, in a country I've never been, with a language I don't speak.

I leave March 1st. I'll be
chronicling the entire experience. Perhaps I'll change this blog to "Lunn in Lederhosen."

Got something (anything) for the FWG?
E-mail it.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Clinton talks Sharks


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Fatpickle: Cooley's Last Pro Bowl...I Hope So?

I mean that in a positive way.

You see, starting next season the Pro Bowl will be held the week before the Super Bowl. Moving forward, the participants in the Super Bowl will not be allowed to play in the Pro Bowl. So, while I'm sure CC will be elected to the next 6 or 7 Pro Bowls, my hope is that he will be busy preparing for the Super Bowl, thus making him unavailable to play in the actual game.

And from Chris and Christy's point of view, how much will they miss the Pro Bowl? I'm guessing little, at best. The Pro Bowl is also moving from Hawaii to the Super Bowl host city. So while the words,

"Christy, pack your bags we're headed to Hawaii," sounds like an awesome time...

"Christy, pack your bags we're headed to Indianapolis," just doesn't have the same ring.

The decision to move the Pro Bowl only makes $ense to the NFL. Get the players and fans into the NFL host city ASAP to start spending money. Never mind that the 2 teams in the Super Bowl usually have the most Pro Bowlers (Arizona and Pittsburgh have 7 starters in this years Pro Bowl.)

The truth of the matter is this, little to zero NFL fans watch, nor care about the Pro Bowl. It's an exhibition game equivalent to pre-season. So until the NFL can find a way to make the game significant in some fashion (any ideas?) keep it in Hawaii.

I'm sure the players enjoy the time they spend in Hawaii, and it's a nice vacation for them and their wives. The Pro Bowl has been in Hawaii for over 30 years, why change it now? Let the players heal their bodies after the season, then "hang loose" for a week with their families and friends. They certainly deserve it.

Cheers and Hail

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

FWG: You're Never Too Old To Look Stupid!

So the off season training had hit a high point. No drinking, all clean foods and lifting my balls off to try and get ready to play in Europe. There is only so much of this training I can do before I get completely bored. So I found a few ways to entertain myself. This blog is one of them, the other is working one or two nights a week at a campus bar as a bouncer. Pretty easy work, break up a few fights, check a few IDs and go home with some good stories. Of course, this work is somewhat "off the books." The reason I tell you that was because I got into work and my boss was in the kitchen and told me to "fill out a W-4 form and a new time card." In retrospect I should have probably given more thought to why I was doing this, but I didn't. It also happens that last week was my birthday. I had returned that night from a snowboard trip with the girlfriend in which we celebrated my 23rd. Anyway, there I am filling out this form, when my boss yells to me to come out quick. I assumed he was getting swamped at the bar and needed an extra hand. This is what happened next:

My girlfriend God bless her decided to throw me a surprise party. So I show up Friday night for work and BOOM ambushed by 50 of my friends.
Needless to say, not having had a drink since the new year did not serve me well.
Off-season training took a back seat to a good night with my friends and 4 minutes of channeling my best "Steve Perry" (Don't Stop Believin'!)

Me and friend (future NFL draft pick) Cody Brown
Yes...Don't let the drinking fool you. I actually work there:
And of course no night would be complete....without a speech. (A speech which I do not recall giving)

FWG: The Finer Points of Tecmo Super Bowl

As a child of the 90's my afternoons were filled with the occasional "afternoon special", running around terrorizing my neighborhood until the street lights came on (ensuing argument: "Street lights are on, but it's still light out, Mom!") and of course countless hours of Tecmo Super Bowl.
This game made me love football. I'd play for hours. Then go outside and run around pretending that I was in Tecmo Super Bowl. My sisters never wanted to play, and that was fine. I'd tackle them at unsuspecting moments, channeling my very best Lawrence Taylor. While the rules of Tecmo Super Bowl were standard football rules. There were a few "unwritten" agreements. As consistent as gravity:

The Iron-Clad rules.
1. Being Bo Jackson was cheating:

2. Christian "The Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye was simply unfair:

3. The only "even" match-up was between the Cowboys, Bills, or 49ers.

4. Playing with the Colts was admitting you were going to lose

5. Never. Ever. Under any circumstances do you punt or kick a field goal. This is Tecmo Super Bowl, not Vietnam. There are rules. You go for it on 4th down, no matter what.

To the disappointment of every kid in Upstate New York, Jim Kelly was not in the game. Instead he was listed simply as QB Bills.

The big jump, of course, from Tecmo Bowl to Tecmo Superbowl was that there were now 8 plays to choose from (instead of 4). You could customize your 8 plays, from a total "pool" of 64. Incredibly realistic, as the Bills are actually running those same 8 plays over and over (and over) again today.

Another awesome part: when the game clock became dislodged from the space-time-continuum and decided it would go as fast or as slow as it damn well pleased (depending of course on how well you could clean you cartridges: Pick up cartridge in right hand. Move to mouth. Blow as hard as you can. PRESTO! Cartridge now clean).

This also was true for "Blades of Steel", but that's a whole different post.