Taking out the Trash

Christy and I moved into our new home last October. Since moving in I've decided it's the greatest house ever built. Of course I'm biased, but it really is a resort turned into a home. I could stay there for a month and have no complaints. Well, actually, only one complaint! At some point every couple weeks I have to deal with my trash. The new house we moved into is at the end of a quarter mile dirt road. There is no public trash removal at the end of our little road, at least not within a reasonable price range. I mean, I can't justify paying more than a couple bucks for someone to drive by and pour my trash into a truck. So I looked for practical ideas of dealing with the garbage. For a while I would take a bag or two every couple days to Redskins park and illegally dump in their bins. That ended up being too much work. Then, I thought the Mormon church might be a good option because it's closer to my house, but it seemed like they always have people lurking around watching what's going on. Finally I broke down and bought a pair of black beauties and decided I would make it to the dump every couple weeks. Now my pick-up has become the dump runner. The bed smells horrible and I sometimes spill trash on the sides but I have actually given it the sole designation of "garbage truck." The ways diesel prices have soared have frustrated me enough to protest driving my truck and use the alternate Mercedes. Ya, real bummer I guess. I gotta hand it to the truck though, I can load some serious trash in the bed. The last month has been hell as far as making garbage runs. With the wedding going on we had so many people in town, thus much more garbage. Then we got home from the honeymoon and paid the price of wedding gifts by breaking down and recycling what seemed like hundreds of boxes. I have made three trips in the last three weeks, but two days ago I took the mother load of trash.

The back of the truck was piled so high with junk that the trash actually would not allow the truck to go more than 25 mph. Any faster and I was losing garbage left and right. Obviously I couldn't have known this and had to learn it by trial and error. After made stops along the road to pick all kinds of flying debris I decided that it was better to create an angry line of traffic than to be the "Guy littering all over the road."

Once I make it to the dump I have quite the system. I can maneuver the truck within inches of the garbage bins on the passenger side. The first couple times I pulled up to the driver side and squirmed my way to the bed, but quickly learned that wasn’t the way to go. Because of all my great football strength (i.e. workout video part 2) I am able to muscle the black beauty up over the edge of the truck, easily pouring out all contents. It's tough to keep the little bits of garbage to keep from spilling along the way, but a good pair of gloves keeps the stink off the hands after picking items up. I'm also working on the trading autographs for the dumping costs. Our agreement hasn't worked out yet, but I feel good about it in the near future. My negotiating skills are too good and I feel like my auto's are in high demand at the dump. All in all I manage to make a dump trip in less than half an hour. I definitely don't love it, but it's a mandatory chore.

Update: The Washington Post liked this one

Posted in: Chris Cooley, dump, football, garbage, Washington Redskins