FWG: The Austrian Night Life

One of my teammates enjoys a smoke, before practice.

I'm not really sure where to start with this post.Maybe the oddity that the buzz at practice wasn't that "Ze Americans are finally in pads, ja??" but rather that "Tonight ve get ze Americans to drink ze beer."

Ze Beer in this case is, would be Austrian Beer. Murauer and Steigl. Maybe I should back up.
All week, our Austrian teammates told us that we were invited to the "Uni-party." I thought maybe I was hearing them wrong, but I didn't know what I Uni-party was. Turns out it was the "University Party." The part to kick off the semester.

I don't know about your collegiate experience, but I'm pretty sure that the higher ups at UConn never turned our student-union over to a beer sponsor, invited in a DJ, set up the place with seizure inducing strobe lights, turned off the no-smoking sign and let everyone from age 14 to 35 in. But, hey...that was just UConn (who knows what the crazies at BYU are up to on a Friday night).
So its finally Friday night, practice lets out, and its time to go. We hop in our car (the worst car in ALL of Austria.

1984 "NEVADA"(yeah, I mean what kind of car would you buy with YOUR signing bonus...)

And we head to a teammates "flat" to have some beers before we head out. I will interject a few points of emphasis here:
1) Austrians take their beer very seriously
2) Never call an Austrian person German.

Continuing...
As the beer starts to flow, one story I was told by a teammate stuck out..
I asked Danielle, "So why American Football...why not soccer for you?"
"It is because, vell...I like to hit somebody....ya. I like to smash them"
"Oh..."
"Ya you can't smash them in soccer, but in football...ahh beautiful, no one gives a fuck, yah!"
(I'd like to argue with him, but this Austrian just gave the Cliff-notes on why everyone should play football instead of soccer)
but then Danielle (a 6'5 185lb receiver) said something even better...
"So, I know NFL Players"
"What?" I said, almost choking on my beer.
"Ya, my girlfriend iz...umm...American-Samoa"
"Okay?"
"And her mom asked me, "Danielle-you play American football" and she vas on ze phone with her coo-zin, so I said "jah, I play American-Football" so she puts me on ze phone viz dis guy. And he said, "Allo! I am in NFL"
So I said, "Oh! Can you get me Patrick Willis's Jersey and Autograph!"
So he said, "Sure"
So I said, "Who is this?"
and He said, "Shawne Merriman"
so I said, "Oh, okay. Make sure ze Willis jersey is a large. Danke!"

He asked Shawne Merriman for a Patrick Willis jersey. Holy shit.

Only in Austria.
Ciao!

FWG: The First Practice: Hilarity Ensues

You know what. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect from the first practice. I mean, technically I'm getting paid. So that makes me a professional. Never mind the language or cultural barriers, football is football. And getting paid makes it professional football.

That being said. This practice would best be described as the best high school football team in America meets The Longest Yard.

(I can hear the movie trailer now)
In a world where football is secondary, and soccer is king. A group of rag tag rogue athletes gather. Neither sleet, nor snow, nor age, nor mis-matched practice jersey can quench their insatiable thirst....FOR PAIN!!!

I kid, I kid. Sort of.
They (the Austrians) have a remedial knowledge of football, but a deep love for the game. The linemen are linemen, strong and athletic. They can play. (Well, if they knew how to play, they could play)

There are a few local defensive linemen, that (after 5 years of college football) I am sure could challenge for a spot on a Division I or Division IAA starting lineup.

This is the rainy season in Klagenfurt, Austria. So our first practice was met with a torrential downpour. As practice went on, I noticed that the rain wasn't even an issue. It was a non factor. I cant tell you how many times I've heard Division I players whine about playing (let alone practicing) in the rain. But not here. I loved the drive.

Cultural differences? They are a-plenty. As player/coach I called a water break. I ran over to the cooler. I saw them drinking a brownish liquid, thought to myself, "Well that is unlike any Gatorade I've ever seen." And then..was that? It is...steam. Steam from a water cup?
It was not Gatorade.
It was not Water.
It was...HOT TEA.
Hot tea at a water-break. I never thought I'd see that in any of my years playing football. Which lends legitimacy to the American's rallying cry, "T.I.A.!!!"....THIS. IS. AUSTRIA! In fact, I'm still chuckling. (What an experience this is.)

I guess through college, although fat, I carried myself with a "swag." I knew I played football, and in America, playing football is cool. Alright, I said it. Playing football is cool, you are the biggest and strongest guys around. You stand out. That's simply just not the case here. Soccer is king. Without question. Some might see that as an impediment to success, but I see it as working in our advantage. These local players grew up playing soccer, so they can all run. The other things is that the draw to the game (for the Austrians) is not to be cool They are out there because the LOVE the game. It is a cult following, and there is they are all going against everything popular culture tells them. Their sense of pride is extraordinary. The over paid, pampered athlete, is a myth. It doesn't exist on the (American) football field. They are living in a view of disdain almost everyday.

You know the worst part? When these guys are at the university, and they tell girls that they play "ze American Football" the chicks don't think its cool. In fact, Frauline is probably all like, "ya American football is for pansies..." followed by, of course "vere iz da Men's Tennis player I vas talking to earlier?"

Today's FWG moment?
Well, I took my shirt off and the Austrians all go “ahhhhh! Zat iz why you are ze fat white guy”
-Thanks. Guys.

Our first scrimmage is 5 days away. Check back soon.

FWG: Check in...

Just checking in

Rob Lunn, if you haven't read on his site, is in Austria getting ready to play some "American Football." He has recently written "Meet the Austrians" and "Welcome to Austria" where he introduces Ramon, who I am very intrigued to learn more about. But before all of this, he wrote about his journey getting there. While in Chicago he sent us this video.



For those who have grown to love FWG as much as I have I hope you enjoy his writings about his experience up till now. I'm sure we will get some very interesting stuff as he continues his journey. Good luck Rob.

FWG: Interview With Patriots Covergirl

I have known Ryann Murray for 5 years. She was on our dance team, I used to date her best friend, and we have been close friends ever since. Ryann is also a Patriots cheerleader, and was on the cover of this years calender. She's a big fan of Thoughts From a Fat White Guy, and said she'd be happy to an interview. Enjoy.

How did you know me at UConn?

You are one of my oldest friends at UConn, Rob. My roommates and I met you and your friends freshman year and immediately we all became close friends. I think us girls were instantly won over by the big tough football players, more specifically you, who knew all the words to the Elmo Christmas song. We also got to see each other often being that you played football and I was on the dance team. You were always someone I could count on to share a good meal and hysterical conversation with!

Whats the best part about being a Cheerleader?

Honestly there are so many great things about being a cheerleader that it is hard to pinpoint just one. One of the things I love about cheering in general is the opportunity to perform in front of crowds of people. Whether their team is winning or losing, cheerleaders are there to keep the crowd entertained and enthusiastic about the game. Cheerleaders have the chance to smile at and perform for their fans, and just hearing everyone cheer back at you after you do something great is the best feeling in the world. More specifically, being a professional cheerleader gave me the chance to take all those great things and multiply them by 1,000. Compared to my past performing experiences, the crowds you get to dance for are bigger, louder, more positive, and especially with the New England fans, they really make you feel loved!

Would you ever date a fan?

If by this question you mean do I put Patriots fan as one of my top three qualities in a man, then no.(FWG INTERJECTION: Of course not, she's a giants fan).I am attracted to guys who have great personalities that can mold to fit many different situations. For example, I like when a guy can be outgoing and humorous, but also laid back and easygoing. I am also very attracted to motivation, and enjoy being with someone who is willing to overcome a challenge or two to get where they want to be in life. Usually a highly driven person also translates to someone who is busy and independent, and that fits well with my lifestyle.

I know you are a Giants fan at heart, hows that go-over at Foxborough?

Yes I am a Giants fan, but I do not really think it is anything that I should be afraid to share with my New England fans. I am from New Jersey, grew up in a family of all Giants fans, and lived my whole life about 30 minutes from Giants Stadium where I got to see my first NFL game. The Giants are a great team, with no cheerleaders though, and are not usually considered huge rivals with the Patriots. I could see if I was a Jets fan it being a bigger issue. I also don't think it would go over well with my family if I was cheering for the Cowboys or Eagles!

I remember I made the mistake of asking some family at my first promotional appearance, "So are you guys big Patriots fans?" You would have thought I asked if the sky was blue, and despite the fact that I was in Maine, the fans were just as die hard as those who live in Foxborough.

So yes, I am officially now a Giants AND a Patriots fan and proud of it. I think people would have to think less of me if I suddenly dropped being a Giants fan just because I am cheering in New England. Besides, being a Yankees fan causes me a lot more grief up here than being a Giants fan!

What are your pet peeves?

When people make fun of New Jersey, but all they have seen of NJ is the parkway!

Is it true that I once broke a chair in your apartment simply by sitting on it?

Oh yes it is! It was junior year of college, and my roommate and I had just gotten settled into our new apartment. I was a little bit obsessed with buying furniture for our place and bought this chair that I could put together myself. It was a wood frame, with a cushion seating that kind of rocked. Many people were successful when they tried sitting on it, and I was very proud of my handy work. And then you came by to see our new place and to visit. Two minutes later, you were lying in a pile of wood and the chair was demolished. It took me awhile to get over that. In fact, thanks for bringing it up...

How did it feel to get on the cover? How does your boyfriend feel about you posing? How about your dad?

My family and boyfriend were aware that I went for a week to shoot a swimsuit calendar, so I think they were at least prepared to see me in a bathing suit in a calendar. But each of us was truly stunned when we found out I was on the cover this year. When we had our photo shoot in Punta Cana last April, it was one to two hours long for each girl, and hundreds of pictures were taken. We were able to see a few photos off of our photographer's camera right after the shoot, but that was about it. Then months later, it was revealed to us which picture and pose, out of all the ones we took, was going to go in the calendar. This was the first shock, as I hadn't previously seen the picture they chose. I couldn't believe how nice everyone's pictures came out.

Then a few days later we were all contacted with who the 2009 cover girl was going to be. I was actually alone in my apartment when I received the message. I was in total shock and really never thought I'd get such an amazing opportunity. I truly believe that any of the ladies' photos could have been the cover shot, as they all came out gorgeously. I suggest you go get yourself a calendar!

I immediately saw that my picture was posted on the cheerleader homepage as well, and knew I had to call and tell my family before they stumbled on it. My parents were somewhat shocked, but were so happy for me. My mom focused right away on the minute details, like "ooo I like your earrings". Like my parents, my boyfriend had a similar reaction of being shocked at first, but then told me he loved the picture, and said how cool an opportunity this was for me.

If you could be one superhero what would it be?

Thats a tough question. I have always wanted to fly, so my superhero would definitely be able to fly. I'd have to say probably Batman because none of his powers are supernatural. He has strength, can kind of be invisible, and can fly, all without having to worry about some un-natural blood running through his body. If you asked me 15 years ago, Kimberly the pink Power Ranger would have definitely been my answer, even though my sister always got to be her. I always played Trini because of my naturally dark hair, but I did always want to be the gymnast one.

Whats one thing that every fan should know that they dont't?

Some other quick interesting facts are: my sister is a professional NBA dancer for the New York Knicks, Derek Jeter was born in my hometown (check his baseball card!), and I have legally had my name changed. I was born Ryan, until my mom added an extra "N" a little while after, to make it look more feminine. Oh yea, and my dad looks pretty much identical to Pierce Brosnan (James Bond) and frequently gets stopped for autographs.

FWG: Read Between the Lines

Any casual football fan knows that there is a language associated with football. To some this is as foreign as speaking Mandarin, to others it is like their native tongue. I’m sure that many a girlfriend has been confused by a couch camping boyfriend talking about “up and outs” and “Hail Marys” or maybe even a “hook and ladder.” Even beyond play calling there are “3 and outs”, “ 3rd and longs” or “2nd and short.” And maybe more confusing still could be phrases like “we beat ourselves,” “We were trying to do too much” and “he made the wrong reads.” Probably the most difficult is the last, which are most often said during the post game press-conference. Well I am here to be your North Star, your “guiding light.” So without further ado, I give you:

The FWG’s guide to reading between the lines.

“We beat ourselves tonight”
-An incredibly polite way of saying, the other team sucked. That other team had no business beating us, and yet they did. Coaches/players saying “Holy shit. How did that happen? Might be time to update the resume.”

“The Turk is coming…”
-An utterance around NFL training camps and college football academic centers. The “Turk” is a mythological creature which descends on training camps to tell players their dream is up, they have been cut. Coach wants to see you, brining your clip board. Game over. In college, this is the academic advisor who tells you that “…you’ve failed to pass 12 hours” or “you’re up for dismissal…” In either case, back your bags.

“He was trying to do to much”
Lets face it. Some people are cut out to be the hero (Ryan Leaf, my heart goes out to you). In critical situations, with the pressure mounting some guys can just cut it, they can put the game on their shoulders and will their teams to victory. Others…well…can’t. They try and they fail, they force plays that don’t work. In other words, they are “trying to do to much.”

“This game is the most important game, because it’s the one we’re playing right now”
Let me solve this mystery right now. Some games ARE easier than other. And some ARE more important than others. And while you shouldn’t look ahead some games you just have circled. Want an example of this? Ask any Army Alumnus which is more important? Beating Akron or beating Navy? While some might say that's strictly for the fans, some of this definitely transfers to the players.

"No Comment"
Oh I have comments alright, believe me I do. But I've been told by a) people who pay me b) people I pay or c) my mom not to say anything. There are a lot of issues pro athletes have opinions on (ie. Vick) but you risk inheriting a media shit storm if you say any thing that disrupts the status-quo. On one hand, you've avoided a hassle, but on the other you come across as an meat head (gotta love perpetuating that stereotype)

TC: Fat White Guy in the News

A few weeks ago many of you read your first post from someone we call "Fat White Guy." I know that some of you are still getting used to his style and so are we. Rob Lunn, over the phone, seems like a really cool guy and we like his style. When we started the blog we had no rhyme or reason to what we wrote about. We just said it would be a cool way to interact with fans and generate a little extra income for charities and me continuing my education. The great thing about all of this is that has come true. It has also done much much more. From watching the video below you will learn that similar things have happened to our friend FWG.



As this website/blog continues to evolve, we encourage you to bear with us along the way. Thanks to everyone who has been with us since the beginning and to those who made their first visit to the site today. Most importantly, please keep coming back.

FWG: Training for the NFL Combine

Typically a college athlete will train at a facility with which his respective agent has a "relationship." This relationship means that the agent will send his clientel there, year after year. If you want to delve further into this, I highly suggest the book, "The Draft" in which Pete Williams follows several college football players from the end of their season, through agent selection, combine prep and then eventually the 2004 NFL Draft.

But, back to the combine. We train day in and day out for what amounts to about 10 minutes of work. The bench test, pro-agility, L-Drill and the all important 40 yard dash (where fortunes can be made or lost...4.9 Maurice Clarett? C'mon).

THE PLATE CARRY

FWG: Chris Cooley Was In My Bathroom (and I liked it)

Editor's note: I know we posted the Maxim story on August 18, 2008 but we didn't know FWG then and apparently he didn't read our blog. So when he wrote this post I thought it was pretty funny that he just came across the Maxim article now. Enjoy.

Monday morning rolls around and like many of you, I'm sure, rolling out of bed means shaking off the rust from a rough Friday night, a tough Saturday night, and a lazy Sunday. Ahh but such is the plight of the American workforce (don't you just love capitalism).

So I'm out of bed, make my way across a smattering of scattered bodies (alas, some of my roommates are still living the "college dream"), and into my bathroom. Where I sit on my thrown while the water warms up.

This is probably where I do my best thinking. Actually, its where I do ALL my thinking. I grab a Maxim off the stack, and proceed to thumb the pages, not necessarily interested, but surely enjoying some of the eye candy. We'll call it, "food for thought." One thing you have to understand before I proceed is that, well, these magazines are all about a year old. 8 months at their newest. Part of it is that my roomates and I are all broke. And part of it is that we are too lazy to go buy new reading material, so we read, and re-read the same articles in the same 6 magazines over, and over, and over again (somehow, a Cosmo has made its way into the stack).

So there I am this morning, reading the "2008 NFL Preview," when who do I see? That's right. None other than Mr. Cooley himself. Captain Chaos right there on the pages of my beloved Maxim.


I'm not sure how I missed this over the past months, perhaps the haze of the season hid this little treasure from me. At any rate, it was a pleasant surprise. I laughed out loud. Here I am dropping the kids off at the pool, with this bearded gentleman pleasantly smiling back at me from the pages of this border-line-smut-always-entertaining magazine.

I read the short interview, explaining how he got the nick-name "Captain Chaos." Turns out it was an exchange between him and Brian Kozlowski. I'm sure you already know that. What you might NOT know is that Koz is not only a UConn Alum, but also from my home town in Upstate New York (a Suburb of Rochester).

I finished my shower, and headed back to my room where the girlfriend lay, still sleeping. I told her my good fortune (she was less than excited about it).
Because of this, my Monday sucked a little less.


Another note: Hats off to the guys at Maxim who predicted a pro-bowl bid for Chris this season. Well picked, sir(s).

FWG: Why I Hate Mike Tomlin

Okay, so here it is aside he fact the Steelers fans are like Yankees fans, meaning you never hear the end of it, "Greatest franchise this, most titles that...." Telling everyone within ear shot of their own greatness. You know what? I'd rather take a sharp stick to the eye. Go screw.

I live with a DIE HARD Steelers fan. It's like like a small slice of Hell on Earth. Its not even worth arguing any more, I simply sit there keeping to myself, quietly counting all the holes in his argument.

I'm a Bills fan. We started this past season 5-0, and I was just about ready to buy my Super Bowl XLIII Bills Championship Commerative Hat. Then (like always) a monumental collapse. Maybe I should resign to the fact that we simply just peaked in the early 90's (you know its harder to get to the Super Bowl, than it is to win it....). But I've literally been a fan as long as I can remember:That would be me with Bills legendary line Cornelius Bennett and Shane Conlan.

So maybe this isn't so much a post about why I hate Mike Tomlin, and more a post on why I hate myself. I am self-loathing.
But I do hate Tomlin for several reason:

1. For the next year I will have to listen to my roommate tell me how the Steelers are the best team to ever play football.
   
2. Mike Tomlin Hates Santa. 
   
3. Mike Tomlin killed my dog.
   
4. He looks like Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps) from The Program:
   

FWG: The Finer Points of Tecmo Super Bowl

As a child of the 90's my afternoons were filled with the occasional "afternoon special", running around terrorizing my neighborhood until the street lights came on (ensuing argument: "Street lights are on, but it's still light out, Mom!") and of course countless hours of Tecmo Super Bowl.

This game made me love football. I'd play for hours. Then go outside and run around pretending that I was in Tecmo Super Bowl. My sisters never wanted to play, and that was fine. I'd tackle them at unsuspecting moments, channeling my very best Lawrence Taylor. While the rules of Tecmo Super Bowl were standard football rules. There were a few "unwritten" agreements. As consistent as gravity:

The Iron-Clad rules.

1. Being Bo Jackson was cheating:

2. Christian "The Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye was simply unfair:

3. The only "even" match-up was between the Cowboys, Bills, or 49ers.

4. Playing with the Colts was admitting you were going to lose

5. Never. Ever. Under any circumstances do you punt or kick a field goal. This is Tecmo Super Bowl, not Vietnam. There are rules. You go for it on 4th down, no matter what.

To the disappointment of every kid in Upstate New York, Jim Kelly was not in the game. Instead he was listed simply as QB Bills.

The big jump, of course, from Tecmo Bowl to Tecmo Superbowl was that there were now 8 plays to choose from (instead of 4). You could customize your 8 plays, from a total "pool" of 64. Incredibly realistic, as the Bills are actually running those same 8 plays over and over (and over) again today.

Another awesome part: when the game clock became dislodged from the space-time-continuum and decided it would go as fast or as slow as it damn well pleased (depending of course on how well you could clean you cartridges: Pick up cartridge in right hand. Move to mouth. Blow as hard as you can. PRESTO! Cartridge now clean).

This also was true for "Blades of Steel", but that's a whole different post.

FWG: The Super Bowl

The most entertaining part of my Super Bowl experience was watching my cousins get ever increasingly intoxicated while trying to simultaneously curb their tendencies to spew obscenities lest they corrupt our friend's daughter (17 months old) and her ever-developing vocabulary. Something tells me Monday's day care might be filled with a four-letter word that rhymes with "truck."

I am a Bills fan (insert Bills joke here, I've heard them all). All my cousins are Bills fans. Except for Greg's girlfriend. The lone Steelers fan (there's always one). As Big Ben (is just me or did he look severely bloated) began to pick apart the Cardinals defense, and the beer flowed (not for the FWG, I gave up drinking for the new year) we began to talk defense.

I also got to get into a heated discussion on the finer points of defensive scheme; "On defense you do the same thing every time. Go find the guy with the ball", said my cousin Danielle. I wanted to berate her on her ignorance of everything sport. I wanted to argue with such a blanket statement, but alas, I couldn't.

If 5 years of college football have taught me anything (a lot of people go to college for 5 years. Yeah. They're called doctors) it's that...well...that's generally true. The smartest guys on the field don't play defense (just the toughest). And our job does boil down to finding the guy with the ball, and subsequently trying to make him wish he were never born.

The game went something like this.
Fitzgerald makes catch. Cut to press box for shot of his Dad. Fitzgerald picks up the first down. Cut to press box for shot of proud father. Like the camera guys were playing a game of chicken, either he would crack a smile or they would finally stop shooting him. For those of you not up on your current events, Fitzgerald senior is a sports writer. Tomorrows headline "CARDINALS CAN'T WIN: DESPITE STELLAR PLAY BY FRUIT OF MY LOINS."

As of tomorrow, we’re all undefeated.
(There's always next year Bills fans)

FWG: Senior Bowl Interview. FWG on hold.

Saturday night the top seniors from across the country gathered in Mobile, Alabama to play in the Nation’s most prestigious all-star game, The Senior Bowl. Through out the year college football practices are infested with clip-board laden scouts. The senior bowl is different. It’s head coaches, general managers, and distinguished front office personnel making the trip to see the “goods” themselves.

I know that Chris Cooley had his own interesting run in with Bill Parcells during his 2004 Senior Bowl experience. A conversation amounting something to the effect of you’re a special-teamer. 6th or 7th round at best. Sorry kid. Well 5 years and a 2007 Pro-Bowl appearance later, even the Tuna can be wrong.

The senior bowl is where draft stock can rise or fall, metaphorical fortunes can be gained and squandered over the course of the week.

So my friend and “sometimes-roommate” (read: his girlfriend is actually my roommate, and there were a few slumber-parties) is one of those guys who’s draft stock rose significantly during the week of practice of the Senior Bowl was offensive tackle Will Beatty.

Before I get into what ESPN.COM is calling “a dominating, eye opening weak of practice” by Beatty, let me first clue you into some inside info about the man who will soon be playing on Sundays.

Will Beatty is a cheater. Don’t take that the wrong way, all offensive linemen are cheaters. Tight Ends too (sorry Chris). They hold, grab, punch, and spit knowing damn well that the refs will only call a fraction of these violations in order to preserve what they call the “flow of the game.” Great for O-linemen, awful for D-linemen. On our team Beatty was the number one violator, taking full advantage of this. He is also the most athletically gifted linemen I’ve ever had the displeasure of going up against.

A relative unknown before the season Beatty is now being projected as a 1st or 2nd rounder, currently ranked the 6th best offensive linemen in this years draft. I got the opportunity to talk with Will. Here’s the interview:

FWG: Oh so now you pick up? And I had to call Cody (Brown)’s phone to get you”
Will Beatty: My bad my dude, busy here. Doin’ my thing
FWG: I get it. So you are reppin’ UConn?
WB: Yeah man. No question.
FWG: Are you watching ESPN?
WB: (laughs) Yeah. I’m trying to see if my draft stock is rising of falling.
FWG: So am I.
WB: (noises in the background)
FWG: You’re not even talking to me are you?
(more noises, no response)
FWG: Will? Really? You’re doing this right now?
WB: Tickets. Their doing tickets
FWG: You’re not making sense.
WB: Sorry. The screwed up my tickets. I got 64 tickets to the game and they screwed them up.
FWG: What’s the best part of being in Mobile?
WB: Hanging out and practicing with the best of the best
FWG: Who’s impressed you the most?
WB: Seeing receivers go out and catch the ball. Staying on their feet. Shit we never saw at Uconn.
FWG: This is going to be on Chris Cooley’s website. Anything to say to the Redskins fan?
WB: Maybe I’ll see them at FedEx next year.

FWG: Interview with Donny Brown

Donny Brown is UCONN’s all time leading rusher. He holds every major rushing record and is probably the best player ever to come out of Storrs. After much speculation he decided to forgo his final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. It should also be noted that he is probably the world’s most humble running back. He is the first to defer credit to his offensive line and last to blame anyone but himself. Donny Brown, the ultimate competitor is a projected 1st to 2nd round draft pick. Here is my interview with him.

Fat White Guy: Donny Brown! How’s it hanging my man?
Donny Brown: It’s hanging.
FWG: Heard you were in New Haven this weekend. Not even a heads up for your boy? I had to find out from an ex lover?
DB: Sorry man, I just flew in for the weekend..
FWG: (cuts him off) yeah yeah yeah. Alright I gotta ask you some questions. That cool?
DB: Yeah that’s fine.
FWG: So what agency did you end up signing with?
DB: Athletes first, CEO David Dunn. It came down to comfort level. It came down to who the straight shooters were.
FWG: Was it tough going through the agent-finding process while still “in season”, and keeping your decision to go to the next level between you and your family?
DB: Honestly, I didn’t deal with any agency stuff until the season was over. I let my parents handle it, they updated me here and there but I wasn’t making any decisions until [UCONN] was done.
FWG: As far as your NFL Draft Rating where are they thinking you will go.
DB: Right now the average of the 10 teams they surveyed was a 2nd round draft grade.
FWG: Have you received your invite to the combine yet?
DB: Juniors receive a later invite, but you can count on it. I’ll be there.
FWG: Where are you training for the combine?
DB: Velocity in Irving California
FWG: As far as combine testing goes. What’s your greatest strength? Physical or Mental?
DB: A mixture of both. I’ll do pretty good on and off the field. Of the 4 days of the combine, the majority is off the field stuff. Only the last day is physical.
FWG: The NFL is notorious for doing thorough background checks. Are you worried about them finding some ex girlfriend or former lovers?
DB: (long pause)--laugher--No Comment
FWG: No Comment? Come on.
DB: They don’t ask ex-lovers, dude.
FWG: You got skeletons in your closet?
DB: (laughing) No. Asshole. The deepest they go is high school coaches.
FWG: You shop at Vitamin Shoppe and not GNC
DB: Yeah. I like the deals.
FWG: Alright that’s it. Any words of wisdom for anyone else out there who might take an interest in your career?
DB: (laughing) Not a thing.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS:

Some huge moments in American History yesterday.
I keep seeing that inauguration video. The motorcade with Obama and Bush riding in the same car together. I couldn’t help but think what they were saying to each other:
“Toilet paper is in the closet third shelf down, extra staples in the top right drawer….whatever you do don’t pick up the red phone”

FWG: Ellen is my new Boomer

I won’t say it’s tough being me. Its not. But I will say I find some hilarity in life’s everyday grind. For instance, today I am waiting to go get brunch. While my girlfriend takes nothing short of 4 hours getting ready, I find myself completely sucked in to the day’s line up of day-time talk shows. Ellen. Bonnie Hunt. The View. I like to call that Holy Trinity. 2 million housewives across the country, and one 23 year old, balding, football player. The worse part, I was completely engrossed in this, my attention broken only by ITT Tech commercials. Day time TV is truly entertainment for people saving up to win the lottery. It is mind numbing and amazing, and I sat their glued to it. Nothing else mattered besides Ellen’s hunt for George Clooney, Bonnie’s hunt (pun intended) for another dog, and The View women talking about their latest trip to the gym.
I was sold. I wanted to know how to take 4 inches of my waist. I needed to know why Nicollette Sheraton couldn’t find love. I even wanted to know how much Whoopie Goldberg weighed. Apparently this is the off-season for me. Watching pro football and the college all star games, training, and losing 4 hours of my life to daytime network television.

I tried to pry myself from the couch, but my only excursion away from the television set was to get more snacks. Call it the Oprah effect, but these women were all asking questions that I wanted the answers too. I could get the scores from Sports Center, but would Chris Berman tell me that steaming my veggies in the microwave could give me cancer? The answer is a remorseful, “No.”

So let me issue a suggestion (warning even) to fat guys everywhere: The Celtics can wait, and the Pats aren’t in the post-season picture. It’s time to figure out why your girlfriend thinks you don’t listen and why Whoppi over-eats. Add that to your daily television lineup and you will be a better man for it.

FWG: Wear Your Seat Belt

Its Sunday January 19, 12:36pm, and I'm locked in the back of a cop car. How did this happen?...

Well..

This weekend me and the girlfriend decided to take another weekend trip to NH to get in some more well deserved snowboarding. Saturday morning it was a snot freezing -12 degrees out. I didn't expect it to be Miami Beach but something above zero would have been just fine.
After last week's trip, I was definitely feeling a lot more confident.

Next logical step: Hit the board park. My early years snowboarding had involved a lot of methods, nose bones, 360s, and the occasional board slide. I don't know what I was thinking. After several major diggers my pride and back were killing me and I decided it was time to retire to the "Bunyan Room" to treat my wounds. Dr. Lunn was on call, his prescription? Drink two beers and call me in the morning.

Unfortunately, that is not where our story ends. It's actually where it just begins.
Sunday night I had an important business meeting to get back to (I was scheduled to work at one of our local bars). So we decided we would forgo the 8 inches of fresh powder on the ground and make our trek back to UConn. We started out on 93 South at about 11:00am making our way through he back roads of Lincoln NH to find out desired route, noting several times along the way that the plow driver "must have been drunk" considering that the roads looked like they had been barely touched. So we get on 93, going no more than 40 miles an hour. The biggest thing on my mind was how Kurt Warner was still tearing up opposing defenses even after receiving his AARP card. And then, like something out of a bad action movie I turned to the girlfriend and said, "These people passing us are crazy. Totally unsafe. You watch, they'll be spun off the side of the road in no time." About a minute later, the Volvo in front of us brakes and so did we. Only instead of a reduction in speed (the intended result), all of a sudden our 2001 Grand Cherokee is fish tailing across two lanes, bouncing back an forth like a life size game of PONG. In a flash the car had done a 360, facing on coming traffic, and flew into a snowbank.

The next few seconds happened in super-hi-def-slo-mo. The Jeep hits. Slips. A loud thud. And we are barrel-rolling before being suspended upside-down.
I looked to the girlfriend who was breathing heavily and had my one pure moment of panic. on her windshield there was a thick-red liquid pooling. I automatically assumed it was blood. I freaked out, before realizing it was power-steering fluid. That was my holy-shit moment of the day.

I tried to undo my seat belt but it wouldn't release. Here is where I tell you that everyone makes fun of me for having a multi-tool on my key chain, but I was able to cut myself out of my seat belt. Two motorists stopped and called 911 and I was able to cut the girlfriend out of her belt as well and get her out of the car. We were alright. We walked away without a scratch. A miracle.

The cops and ambulance showed up, and this is where our scary ordeal takes a turn for the hilarious. It was absolutely freezing out, and the State Trooper told us to get in the backseat of his cruiser to stay warm. What a great guy. He gave us one piece of advice, "Don't let the door shut." He was off to direct traffic and we were left there to wonder about all the what ifs. What if my hockey skates had hit one of us? What if I wasn't wearing a seat belt? What if we had been going faster?

My girlfriend is an amazing person. She was a bit shook up, but remained incredibly calm the entire time. Fall asleep in bed while she's talking? It's World War III. Flip her car over on your Sunday drive? Just another day at the office.

I got out of the squad car to grab some of our belongings and the insurance information for our now upside-down Jeep. It was a complete mess. iPods, cell phones, everything thrown all over the place. It was like you placed the car in a giant cocktail mixer. Shaken, not stirred.

I trudged back through the snow to the cop car, got in and without thinking let the door shut behind me. After all that, flipping the car, cutting the belts, the evaluation by the EMTs, we were now locked in the back seat of a police car.
5 minutes go by. 10 minutes go by. 15. 20. Nothing. Apparently no one was wondering where the two passengers of said-totaled-Jeep Cherokee were. First off, I've never spent (considerable) time in the back of one of those things. Instead of a regular back seat, its a plastic shell. We were in there so long my butt went numb and I couldn't feel my toes. That backseat alone is the reason anyone over 6'4 shouldn't get arrested. We couldn't help by laugh. I finally convinced her to try and fit her body through the little window in the plexi-glass divider.

Finally we were rescued by a trooper who saw the girlfriend trying to wriggle her way into the front seat. He then informed us: without those seat belts you wouldn't be alive. I'll skip the details about our drive home and the insurance phone calls and calls to our parents.

Bottom line: Wear your seat belt.

FWG and Cooley: The Piss Man Cometh

One thing I won’t miss: The Piss Test.

Cooley Interjection:

It is very apparent to me that we cannot get enough talk about the penis staring piss test....Never enough talk about penis' for that matter, as I well know.  But sorry for the interruption Rob, continue with your story.

Over the 5 years of my collegiate career I had my urine tested for performance enhancing and street drugs close to 15 times. That’s three times a year. There is the mandatory pee test at the beginning of training camp, and then some randomly selected moments of awkwardness as the season progresses.

Cooley Interjection:

15 times?  I laugh at that.  I easily knock out 15 a year.

Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.

I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you. 

Let me explain: No one knows the test is coming except for our medical staff. We practice about two hours and coach call it practice up (like he does everyday). He makes his announcements, gives his spiel, and then says, “The following guys go with Bob” (Bob Howard being our head trainer). Name called = go pee. You make no stops, proceed directly to the testing room. In your pads. I’m not wearing a Pizzicato (how could I pull that off all practice?), so the entire looking at my twig and berries is totally unnecessary.  

 

Cooley interjection:

I dislike the dick watcher as much as anyone, but I feel like I can play devils advocate for the story.   Consider a guy going to unimaginable lengths and wearing the whizinater out to the field every day.  He just suctions it on and goes to work....every single day... no big deal once you get used to it.  I mean, some guys might choose to go to major lengths to stay off the illegal drug list - it is a pretty big violation at any level.  If this could possibly be happening we need to reevaluate our piss man's ability to determine a real or fake.  Really, if your job is looking at wieners all day, then you will definitely see a variety of them, big ones, small ones, black and white ones, you even get the luxury of the uncircumcised ones.  Lets just say he sees an average of 10 different dongs a day.  You're telling me he can definitely, for sure, no questions asked tell if there is a fake.  I don't believe it!  The porn industry can create a pretty realistic looking member, so why couldn't a very real one be made to be filled with piss?  With this information coming to light I think sports may have to come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to expand the job duties of the piss watcher and allow him to go ahead and hold it for you.  Now that makes a good blog!  Yep, it would be awfully weird, but with technology advancing in the drug and penis industries, it may be our next and only option.  So Rob, while your penis will be free of foreign eyes, mine may be on the brink of strange hands.  

Anyways, back to reality.  When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.

"What happened Rob?"

"Nothing! No one!..."  Followed by a long, hot shower.

Cooley interjection:

I once spent over two hours in the bathroom with a large black man while I tried to overcome a case of the stage fright.  It was the off season and I had just finished up a workout, showered, pissed in the shower and got ready to head home.  On my way out of the locker room the guy grabs me and says "Glad I caught you, I would have had to drive out to your house tonight." Well, he may as well have.  I tried to piss ten different times.  It was dribbles going into that cup.  Two hours of pants around the ankles piss examination and I finally finished the job. Way fun!

Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"

How does this guy pick up women at a bar? (“So what do you do for a living? Oh, I work with piss all day. Dark piss, light piss, all kinds of piss. I’m the piss man!” Or how does he talk about his day over dinner with his wife? I don’t want to imagine those conversations.

Cooley interjection:

The guy from the Patriots tells his wife about Tom Brady's hog.  At least he's got interesting table talk.

Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.

Cooley interjection:

Yes! Female testers!

So while I will miss a lot about being a college football player; the fans, the parties, the winning, the friends. I won’t miss having another grown man admire my manhood as I force evacuate urine through ever reluctant bladder.

Cooley interjection:

Good talk buddy.  Lots of excitement thinking of amusing anatomy descriptions, female testers fitting the new job description of holder, and Tom Brady's hog on my dinner table. Wawow!

FWG: This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

Well. I thought this week’s sign of the apocalypse was me on a snowboard for the first time in 5 years. However, in an awesome change of events some new (and less embarrassing) material presented itself. This week Obama’s stance on the failing economy got less press than his stance on (and plans for changing) the current BCS system.

Rest easy Mom’s and Dad’s. of America Who cares about that failing 401k? Corporate corruption? Irresponsible lending practices? Nonsense! Can’t make the mortgage payment? No worries!--a play off system is on its way. You already know my feelings on this whole play-off nonsense. And I understand sports as a form of escape, but how ass backwards are we when Utah’s attorney general is filing anti trust papers against the BCS instead of, oh I don’t know, prosecuting criminals?

The nation already feels bad for you Utah. So relax. And as far as Obama supporting the playoff system? I want to hear how he plans to keep gas low and John and Jane Doe from being put out on the street by Citizens Bank before I hear how he wants to take bowl games away. You know what else? I’ve seen him play pick up basketball. Rules on football should not be made by those who couldn’t last 5 minutes on the field.
You can file this under the same real issue-distracting-bullshit as congress interfering in Major League Baseball and their so called "concern" with performance enhancing drugs. That is all.

FWG: Tebow to Return

Some new news out of Gainesville today. Tim Tebow is staying at Florida, officially making Urban Meyer the happiest man in all of the Sunshine State. The biggest question on everyone’s mind is, “why?” Well, here is my take on it.

1. Tebow isn’t an exact fit for the NFL. Teams aren’t exactly willing to invest millions of dollars in a “franchise” QB who’s signature move is lowering the boom on 3rd and short. Not to mention the last legit dual run/pass threat QB in the NFL is currently serving 23 months in Leavenworth. So he doesn’t have a ton to gain by leaving this year.
2. College is awesome. Its fun. This past semester I took one class, it met once a week. My requirements? Start a blog. Yah, I got an A. If Uconn was as easy as it was for me, imagine what it’s like for Tebow. First, Florida isn’t Harvard. Second, he won the Heisman so I can’t imagine that professors are hounding him for a perfect attendance record. For some historical precedent, take a look at Ricky Williams (just subtract the dreadlocks and haze of pot smoke). Williams didn’t want to leave Texas because things were so comfortable for him there, even with the NFL calling. Same for Tebow. (Shit, I still don’t want to leave UCONN)
3. Its not like Tebow is hurting for money. He doesn’t have to take care of his family or better their situation. He can wait another year to try the NFL and still lead a comfortable life. Also, there are plenty of Filipino children still to be named Tim.
4. He has a shot to win the Heisman….again.
   

So what does this mean for Florida? Well, it means that those “Superman” t-shirts in orange and blue are in style for one more year. You can also expect to see a huge boost in recruiting, “Come to Florida! Play with the Second Coming!”

Seriously, this year’s Tebow media exposure and a chance to repeat a national title will have top high school players drooling. Expect a few 5 stars switching their choices to Gainesville come signing day. Expect “walking on water” to be added to the half time routine for home games at The Swamp. Plus, Tebow's "rumored" girlfriend is still in school there. Would you leave her?

FWG: Romanowski? Really!

DENVER (AP) — Bill Romanowski has the perfect coaching candidate in mind for the Denver Broncos, a dark horse, somebody out of the blue who's on nobody's radar — himself.

The former Pro Bowl linebacker who spends his post-playing days running a nutrition company and dabbling in broadcasting and acting told The Associated Press on Thursday night that he's serious about wanting a chance at coaching his old team.

So. Bill Romanowski wants to coach. I want my hair back. Both have about equal chance of happening. I'll put aside that I am still very surprised Denver got rid of Shanahan. I'm even more suprised that Romanowski found time in his busy supplement-making schedule to send over a 38 page presentation on why he should be the next head coach of the Denver Broncos. I imagine that the report was written at or around the same level as, "What I did on my summer vacation." Only, "Why I should be a head coach." by Billy Romanowski.

So I decided to investigate this a little further. How about this...I actually agree with a lot of his "plans for the organization." That alone may be cause for concern. But he nails two issues dead on:

1. Romanowski wants to overhaul the nutrition program for "his" players. I couldn't agree more. We spend all this time studying film and devising game plan and not nearly enough time taking care of our bodies. As Romanowski puts it, "Literally a guy mixing protein shakes...". As long as Victor Conte isn't the one mixing 'em, I agree with him on this one. A full-time team nutritionist that has one on one contact and more importantly accountability is just as important as any assistant coach you might hire.

2. Hiring someone to look after the mental health and well being of players. Romanowski may as well have been reading my diary. Millions upon millions of dollars dedicated to strength and conditioning, training, and top orthopedic facilities. And almost no money allocated to maintaining mental health. Forget that you have to be missing a few screws to want to play this game to begin with, but the stresses of performing week in and week out with your job on the line every Sunday (or Saturday), that can take its toll. Sure some teams (I know the Broncos do) have a team psychiatrist but it is hardly seen as normal going to see (let alone talk) with one. This starts at the collegiate level where the same habbits are learned (or not learned for that matter).

So while I think it would be PR suicide for the Broncos to hire Bill Romanowski, I don't think it would be a bad idea to put some of his ideas into action. A fresh perspective may be exactly whats needed.

FWG: A Formal Introduction

Lets try this again. My reception to this site was about as well received as when your sister brings home…well...some one like me from college. Only instead of staring across the kitchen table imagining at what this 285lb baldheaded freak does to you "lil sis" (probably how Brady Quinn looks at AJ Hawk), you'll be reading my take on things in the sports world (which may or may not be better). So for your sake (for your sisters sake) I suggest you pay attention to what I have to say.

My name, is Rob Lunn (please pass the gravy). I played in 49 games at the University of Connecticut (yes, we have a football team too) as a defensive tackle starting in 20 of them. I have 3 bowl rings, a couple game balls, and more hair on my arms then I do on the top of my head.
I started a blog for a class and a few ESPN and USA Today interviews later, it took off. People liked what I had to say. Including Tanner and Chris Cooley. Apparently my thoughts on Training camp were very similar to his. "Training camp…about as much fun as a bag of dicks." (I couldn't agree more). So over the next few months, I'll have some commentary on what's going on in the word of sports. Including my training to go play pro. Don't get too excited just yet Redskins fans. They call me The Fat White Guy for a reason. I had a great career at UCONN but I'm the first to admit that I'm not athletic enough for the NFL (although, every time I see Tony Siragusa I start to think differently).

In March I'll be playing in Europe. Ever read "Playing for Pizza?" ... something like that. Basically seeing Europe on someone else's dime. But I'll be previewing some of my friends and other players from college football as they prepare for the Senior Bowl and the NFL Draft. As well as some other anecdotes from my life: which includes dating a girl that's way too hot for me (another Lunn-Cooley similarity), eating way too much, trying to live life after college football and of course entertaining all of you.