The Chainsaw Massacre

This post is rated PG-13

With the pool finished and summer rolling in, I began preparations for the beach area and undoubtedly the focus will be centered around the fire pit. The beach was what I like to think of a one of a kind addition to a pool area. It began with my father-in-law creating his own version of a mini beach, tiki torches, fire pit and even including a boardwalk, all tied together perfectly at the wife’s old house. The beach was the setting for many great nights, hanging by the fire, drinking a couple beers, listening to some cool music and enjoying good company.

Of course, with the new construction and Skip (Christy’s dad) helping out with the early plans, my own beach has turned out exactly as I would have dreamed. The waterfall flows multicolored off the back of the pool, rocks are schematically placed not only as a fire pit, but also in perfect formatting for sitting around catching some good flames and now all the furniture is in – I am so close to a big night. The one thing I was missing was firewood! A must have for any night at the beach.

There were a couple different options I had running around the back of my mind. There are always logs of wood kicking around in bundles at 7eleven, but I don’t want to be driving around a bunch of gas stations looking for a bundle of pre-cut firewood. Another idea came up from when I was at Costco the other day. There was a big box of endless burning logs and they were really calling my name, but I just wasn’t enthralled with fake wood in my badass fire. It’s like I’m the kid at the campground that has no idea how to start a fire, I just felt like I would be such a bitch. So after all deliberation I came to the conclusion that I would have to go Paul Bunyan style, sort of.

My shopping list at Home Depot would include my very first, shiny, beautiful, state of the art chain saw. Well, not really, I bought a pretty cheap one, but it still made me feel good and it didn’t hurt that I carried the axe on my shoulder through the isles. Beaming with pride, masculine worth, a chain saw and ax, I was halted in the isle by Christy and with a sneaky, smirking woman jab she smashed my moment, “Hey baby, don’t you think you should leave Home Depot their floor model and take one of the saws in the boxes from underneath.” It was just a quickie, but it took me just a second to pick my dignity up. Seriously, I’m ready for a horror scene, minus the Jason mask and now my wife just dominated me with sarcasm. As I walked away I whispered under my breath, “She couldn’t even tie my chain sawing shoes."   Now who’s the winner?

Half way home and we had to stop to fill my new bad boy up with gas. I am not messing around; I’m ready to start some goddamn work! As we pull into the driveway there is a fallen tree toward my house. Keep in mind my driveway is close to half a mile, so there are plenty of trees, but this one is just ripe for the plundering. The drive ends at the tree and like a Nascar pit crew I am getting the saw ready for action. Just before I begin to yank the chain Captain Saw-block chimes in with robust fear that I will be destroying the home of some bunny or squirrel, but I tell her at this point I’m literally so excited that I don’t care if I saw through a baby deer. She is aghast.

The saw is a little bit harder to start than I would have expected. It should start on the first pull, but of course there’s little buttons and levers and all kinds of shit, because why would it be easy to start a chain saw? So dumbasses like me can cut their hands off? Even though I had to fight through a little bit of disappointment I finally get the thing going.

With chain saw ripping and roaring in my hands nothing will make me happier than to shred the hell out of the base of the tree, so I head straight into the jumble of branches and start gashing like Freddy Kruger. It takes some time and a bunch of cutting through little branches, but I feel like a pro and I have made it to the middle of the tree. As I begin my incision to the thickest part of the tree I learn that my chain saw is kind of a pussy and doesn’t do the butchering job I would have planned. It’s getting stuck and kicking all over the place and I’m just making sure I don’t gouge my own arms or legs. Maybe I’m not the pro I expected to be – thankfully I remember the ax.

As I go to work with the ax I am getting really hot and it becomes a must to go shirts off, which I realize later was a big mistake. I do some easy chopping and realize that this tree is one tough motherfucker. It’s going to take some serious Mark McGuire on steroids hacks to knock this bitch down. As I get half way through the tree I realize I’ve been outside for less than a half hour and I’m sweating like an immigrant worker in the beet fields. I begin to think the Costco logs weren’t such a bad plan, but it has become personal with the tree.

I move back to the chain saw and begin a frantic battle with the tree. At the same time I start to figure out the ways of the saw but I begin to itch. Dismissing the small red hives on my arms and chest I continue slaughtering tree branches. Another ten minutes and I’m covered in tree vomit and sweat and the itch spots are starting to feel like I was attacked by a wasp. This ends the day and I begin running to the house. A shower can't come fast enough and I don't care that it begins as an icy rain, it feel amazing. As the water begins to warm I start to look over what the tree has done to me and I learn that not only did it have some kind of crazy allergen, I must have been home to about 12,000,000 ticks. As I pull two of them off my sack, I can do nothing but laugh.

I went into the tree adventure with such high hopes of raping and pillaging any wood I wanted for the fire and I came out of it with a new found admiration for the lumber-jacking profession. But let me say this, by the time I burn my sizable load of wood, I will be prepared to own the next tree.

Tell Me Something Wednesday: Rock the Red

Minutes before going to the Caps game yesterday, I was sitting in Donald Brashear's downtown apartment talking about how crazy this season has been and what has got the team to this point. Though he wasn't going to suit up, Brash seemed just as nervous/anxious/excited as anyone I've ever seen. Just before we headed outside Brash said, "Wait til tonight, it's gonna be crazy." Then we were off.

As we walked down H Street, chills ran down my spine. The only thing I can compare the atmosphere to was that of a Nebraska football game. It was a sea of red running through the streets. The pep band, C-A-P-S CAPS CAPS CAPS chants, dudes on stilts, and best of all, showing love to #87 who, as we all know, was suspended for the game.

After parting ways with the Enforcer, Kirsten and I met up with Mr. Devine and his family and friends. Their group was filled with some familiar faces, yet plenty of new ones which seems to be the case for us every game. One of those familiar faces however, was Jason Campbell.  The QB was just as excited as anyone to be there, including the group of folks in the red rain ponchos behind the Rangers bench.


As far as the game goes, all I have to say is I am gay for Varly. The guy is ridiculous. He owned the first 40 minutes of the game giving the team the chance to finally come to life in the 3rd. And did they ever when this happened



At that point everyone including the team loses their mind. I mean LOSES it. From the high-fiving, to the feet stomping, to the screams it certainly made for a magical moment. From then on it was all about hanging on to the lead. As time ticked down the Red Sea rumbled. CAPS WIN GAME SEVEN.

Please! Give me that fish!

Judas Priest, Camaros, and my Mustache

Sorry about the color half way in. I bumped the night vision switch on accident.

Tell Me Something Wednesday: Devin Thomas

Devin Thomas was drafted in the second-round in the 2008 NFL Draft and celebrated by hitting up a strip club with his family. Good stuff right? So with the draft coming up I thought it would be fun to get to know the Redskins wide out a little better. Among other things, Devin and I talked about his new website, top choices for weight room music (Lil Wayne), and his uncanny ability to "lose" his shirt in the middle of a work out. But most importantly, we talked about how he's spending time with his teammates and trying to become a better football player.

On a team that is dying for a number two receiver to step up, Thomas could very likely be the guy. Devin looks around the locker room, maybe for JC, turns back and says "the most important thing you need to do is have that QB/WR relationship. I really feel like this is something that only time spent together can create." Knowing that, Devin is trying to do everything he can to step up and fill that spot. Making his home in Ashburn this offseason Thomas decided to has participated in the team's voluntary workout program. Though he is through being a rookie on the field, that isn't the case in the weight room. Working so hard at times he can't keep down his breakfast. After some pushing he opened up to tell his side of the story.

"You know they got us in here doing some good stuff. One of the things we do is some circuits. That day, as a matter of fact it was the same workout we did today, and uh, shoot, it (the circuit) was like four rounds and when I got to that fourth round...I felt that Gatorade comin' and I had to go ahead and throw it up."

Just as he finished telling me about losing his lunch Shawn Suisham asked, "Is it also true that you lost your shirt in that round?"

"Ya I came out without the shirt the third round. Got too hot man. I always take my shirt off...you know I'm hurtin' when I take my shirt off." 

Suisham chuckles and quietly chimes in, "The guy must be hurtin' a lot."

Once that awkward exchange cleared the air we continued talking about his role on this team. The conversation moves back to the quarterback and Devin assuringly points out his admiration for QB Jason Campbell. "He goes through so much adversity and so much criticism and he keeps a smile on his face and he keeps thinking positively. I really admire the way he handles himself." Thomas also talked about having a great relationship with wide receivers coach Stan Hixon, and the importance of having respect for someone you work with on a day to day basis. Maybe this was learned in Devin's first job at Wendy's or possibly when he worked as a bouncer in college. Did Thomas ever lose his shirt in a fight?

"Naw. Actually since I knew a bunch of people from college nobody would fight. I'd just kinda talk it out and calm things down."

That must have struck a chord because just then Devin hopped up and threw on a Redskins issued sweatshirt and said "don't you wanna hear about my new website?" He proceeded to tell me that he is doing it to give fans an insight into his life. "So people can understand who I am. You know, get the inside scoop." He mainly plans on using his site to give back to the fans by reaching out to those that touch him with their story. (Like this one) Devin also has facebook and twitter. 

Besides starting the site, working out with the team, and losing his shirt, Devin has been laying low, spending much of his off season with his dog Dutch, "I gotta keep him outta the rain, he hates it. Dutch is a rottweiler named after Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie Predator. The last couple months Devin has been a shining example of a productive second year player is doing to make the most of his off season opportunity. So when you see number 11 hit the field this year you can expect a man who has put in the time and is ready to help his team win.

Top 25 Hot and Not Songs

I've been listening to a ton of music lately, I guess because I've been driving a lot. Anyway, I know I did a couple music lists this past season, but I thought I would put together a music update in my life. The top 25 is basically my iPod most played right now. The not top 25 are the songs I instantly change upon hearing them. I stand by my decisions.

GO CAPS!!!

A-List Screenwriting

Here is a cool opportunity to spend a couple days with one of the executive producers of Ghosts Don't Exist this Saturday and Sunday. Jim Mercurio is one of the reasons we were so excited to be part of the film. He is an enthusiastic guy and it's obvious he knows and loves movies. He is teaching a screenwriting/story class at the Grand Hyatt in Washington DC on April 25-26 (Saturday/Sunday). And he is giving a free talk on film financing on Friday night in Georgetown.

At one of our investors meetings, he opened with a joke: "An Eagle, a Giant and a Cowboy jump out of a plane; who hits the ground first?" he asked the crowd. No one answered. Then he delivered the punch line: "Who cares?"

And if that's not enough, he's giving away a football autographed by Chris to one of the online registrants.

Sign up with the discount code COOLEY by Tuesday and save $100 (save $50 after that).

Here is the official information.
A-LIST SCREENWRITING COMES TO DC!

Jim Mercurio is kicking off a nationwide series of classes under the A-List Screenwriting banner with A-List Screenwriting: The Lecture on April 25-26 (Saturday/Sunday), 9 AM -6 PM) at the Grand Hyatt in Washington DC. This class focuses on story and scene structure; film analysis; and screenwriting principles. Whether you are a beginning storyteller, a professional, or somewhere in between, the class will accelerate your growth as a writer and improve your craft.

Jim is one of the country's top screenplay consultants with students and clients ranging from beginners to A-list filmmakers whose films have done billions in box office.

Jim is also giving a free talk on Friday night at Center for Digital Imaging and Arts of Boston University (Georgetown) - Washington DC Campus, Studio A. The topic is Film Financing 101 (The DIY Basics) and the Craft of Storytelling. For more information: http://dcfcpug.eventbrite.com/

A-List Screenwriting: The Lecture
Washington, D.C.
Saturday and Sunday, 4/25-26, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Online Registration: $279
Sign up now.


A-Listscreenwriting.com
http://dcfcpug.eventbrite.com/
Jim@a-listscreenwriting.com

The New Pool

It was almost a crying goodbye knowing Juan and Manuel and the rest of their friends won’t be hanging out behind my house. I’m going to miss the rock pounding, sawing, painting, digging, question asking, truck driving, loader driving, excitement filling my home life. I felt like the Great Gatsby throwing a party everyday for the last three months, my driveway never short of 15 cars. I may have taken for granted the random workers peering in windows from the deck. It’s tough to remember to keep your clothes on in the living room/kitchen area.

Seven months of work in the back yard have led to an incredible amount of anticipation in my life. Patience is not one of my strong suites so the waiting has been so tough for me. Now peering of the back of the deck I see a gleaming tribute to a half a million dollars. Hundreds of lights shine everywhere, the spa is bubbling, waterfalls flow over intricately stacked stone and I could not be more excited about the project being done.

Of course here will be specific rules and regulations for the different areas. I feel like since I did foot the bill for the project I should be able to have final say on the attire worn in the pool and spa. Some will be allowed to wear bikinis, I imagine there will be a one-piece clause and of course there will be a mandatory topless bylaw for 8+. I feel that in order to keep the balance I will also provide long sleeve 2x t-shirts, sort of like a jacket rule in a fancy restaurant. These shirts will be worn almost like a trophy from the McDonald's customer of the month types. As far as the men’s regulation policy, we will just try to keep Speedo’s away from many of our African American friends.

I've even started making a preliminary guest list for the first pool party. Invites will go first to the entire Caps team after they win the Stanley Cup, which should coincide nicely with the Nats getting their second or third win of the season. Next, I'm talking at least three Victoria Secret models and maybe even one or two of those Fredricks of Hollywood girls. We'll even ask if Tom can even bring Giselle. I wouldn't mind having a couple politicians show up either. Barrack seems like a pretty cool guy and I'm sure he could bring an A list group with him. From there we'll need a couple of actors. First two on the list are Paul Walker and Jessica Alba. But in order to get on the list, they will have to reenact their "Into the Blue" roles. Christy says the Backstreet Boys are a lock and if I have to give in on letting random guys show up I have no problem allowing a couple of their groupies. Keep in mind the 8+ rule. Finally no party would be a party without someone to tease, so we will be inviting Tony Romo and his voluptuous girlfriend.


Also, Crown Royal wants to provide products for any party that I throw, which is a major bonus. Great success.

"The Cooley Zone"

If you haven't seen it out there yet Reel Jems has released a trailer to a Cooley based reality TV show. We don't know where this will end up going but still wanted to share it with you. Let us know what you think.

Rally for the Cure = Success

I have never planned, or helped plan, an event like the one we hosted last night. The reason we did this was really my mom's idea. She recently went to a similar event in Winchester and loved it enough to want to do the same thing. We got to talking about the details and soon enough it went from a small get together to what we had last night. Which was amazing. 

Earlier in the day yesterday Chris went around Redskins park inviting the players. I think if you were there last night it was easy to see the respect these guys have for each other.  They were all willing to chip in to make a very interesting and entertaining evening. Thanks so much for all your help to those who came. 

Besides the big hearts of the Redskins in attendance, the amount of items people donated to make the auction possible was incredible. There were dinners, gift baskets, a weekend get away, UWC tickets, and autographed memorabilia galore. And people knew why we were doing it. I remember selling a pink Redskins mini helmet for $500! Unreal!

All of this was great but it couldn't have been possible without having a location. The Original Steakhouse couldn't have been nicer. I know it was for charity but free beer, wine, and food for 3 hours from the Steakhouse! That definitely set the perfect atmosphere for the night.

Last I just want to say thanks to all of you who helped at the event. It wouldn't have been the success it was without your help. Charlie Cook and his staff, Robert Bassam and everyone from Eastern Motors, Big O, students, friends, and those of you who bought tickets. I know I had a blast and hope everyone else did to. We are definitely going to try and do this again next year!

Fatpickle and Cowboy Dan: Cooley's Rally For The Cure

I just purchased 2 tickets for the Cooley's Rally for the Cure. Unfortunately, my wife and I will not be able to attend. Truth be told, we never had any intentions of attending and I really don't have the extra $100 to spend right now. But the tickets were never intended for us...I bought the tickets for 2 other special people who also will not be able to attend, my grandmothers.

My father's mom Louise died of breast cancer at the age of 32. My father was only 8years old. Obviously, I never had a chance to meet Louise. This much I do know, she was a beautiful woman who produced my hero, my father. If you live in a great big house in Chantilly, you may even live on Louise avenue. This street is named after my grandmother. I wish I would have gotten the chance to know her.

My mom's mom Margaret (Maggy to friends, Nanny to me) died of kidney cancer at the age of 73. She was awesome, I miss her every day. Although she lived a long and full life of fun and laughter, she left us within days of her diagnosis. Much too quick. One of my Nanny's favorite sayings was "do me this favor and I'll dance at your wedding." She did dance at my wedding, but it was only with me and no one saw it. She was a huge Redskins fan, friends with John Riggins, and once owned a bar in Herndon that the Redskins frequented. She also cut the most glorious fart I have ever heard in my life (this post can't be all sappy with no humor.) I'm not kidding, Yoder couldn't hold a candle to this fart (and if he did, it would have blown him to Arlington.) 2 bucks Nanny, 2 bucks.

My wife recently lost her grandmother Rita after a long battle with lung cancer. My father recently had skin cancer. It doesn't stop there, and my family is no different than yours. We've all been affected by this horrible disease. I'm sure each one of you reading this has a story to tell, maybe even more tragic. Cancer has no prejudices, it attacks the young and old, the rich and poor, the black and the white. This is why we all need to do something about it. I know we will find a cure for this disease in my lifetime, I know it. In the meantime, thousands of folks like Nancy Cooley are busy kicking cancer's ASS!!!

The economy sucks...you don't have to remind me, I'm in the auto business! But, maybe you can find a way to buy a ticket (either for yourself or in spirit) and hang out with the Cooleys to celebrate, remember, and fight back.

And if you attend the rally do me a favor, raise a glass to Louise and Maggy...if you do I'll dance at your wedding.

Cheers and Hail


Cowboy Dan: Fight against Cancer

In 2007 my wife Ariana, lost both of her parents to cancer. Her mother, Alice, lost her battle with Lymphoma in February after fighting for five years. Her father, Paul, passed away from Small Cell Lung cancer only four months later. We lost a good family friend, and life long Redskins fan Jess Parks, just this past month to lung cancer as well. God willing we have several friends, including Chris’ mother, still in our lives who are survivors. Cancer is a ruthless disease that has affected so many of our lives. For those of you who have been affected by cancer know how important research and development is towards finding a cure. I want to encourage all of you who are reading this to join the battle against cancer and donate money to this foundation. Chris’ website reaches many fans across the world. Whether or not you are a Redsk ins fan, any amount o f help you can provide will be going towards a great cause and will ultimately make a huge difference.

Taylor

Redskins Nation

FWG: Cooley Fans Around The World

Sorry I have been MIA for a while. Thought I would share this one with you. After a few posts on this blog I received some fan mail. You know its good when the e-mail starts off, "No, I'm not a stalker"--I immediately trusted him. The e-mail was from Jason DeGrasse who is stationed over in Italy. Bottom line he is a huge Skins fans (despite my attempts to tell him how great the Bills were) an even bigger fan of Chris Cooley, and absolutely starved for American football.
I told him to come to the game. He said he'd be "the one in the Cooley jersey"--the stage was set a-la Sleepless in Seattle.
Jason turned out to be a good guy, and an even better fan. Heckling the shit out of the other team and when their cornerback got taken "up top" for 6 on a fade ball--he absolutely had him on the ropes. I'll let his email speak for itself, but just so you know: There are Cooley fans around the world.From Jason DeGrasse:
A Skinny White FWG/Redskins Fans Story about the Caranthian Black Lions

I'd have to say I was thoroughly suprised at the level of play by both teams on Saturday. Europeans don't have the pee wee footballs system like you were saying Lunn, but they obviously understood the game. What was funny to us is how the Americans all have massive "A's" on their helmets. It was like before the non-American players got hit, they thought, "Oh shit, ze Amerikan iz about to kill me." When they saw that "A" running at them, their knees buckled and they shit themselves. No, literally, half the other team had shit stains on their white pants from Lunn and #21 annihilating them. No shit, when was the last time you played both sides of the ball all game Lunn? Now I see why you were talking about losing weight. You can eat all the "mystery meat" you want my friend, but running like that for a few months and you will have to change your name to the Annorexic White Guy. Lunn was a beast, the other team never ran the ball to his side and he was contanstly double/triple teamed. The few times he broke through that weren't a run/screen play the QB got put on his ass. The best time was when Lunn and #21 both pieced up the Danube, which we found out means Dick in German, Dragons QB. The Caranthian Black Lions QB, also American, had some quick feet and a good arm, but was running for his life all game. He still managed to find #70, also American, all game. Even threw a nice jump ball in the end zone where #70 out jumped that other "letting my talk out shine my performance but I'm awesome b/c I have a Fro-hawk" American (I need to say thanks to #70/#14 for that, the play before I was talking a lot of shit to that "fro-hawk" dude, and if he stopped you guys, I would've been the first to hear it). Another awesome thing was how you guys all came out and bullshitted w/your fellow American fans. On the field you didn't look as big, but you bastards are some big dudes in person. The only thing that was really odd, was the end of the game fiasco. What the hell was that? All the players lining up along the side line and three or four guys running in front of them while the other players, 'cept the Americans, doing the wave? It was like immediately after the game, both teams turned into a Vegas-style dance team.....minus the Americans. That's Europe though, even when it's cool, it's gay.

All in all, I have to say, if you're ever in Austria, want to grab a few beers, and watch "ze Amerikan Football", then don't shy away from the Caranthian Black Lions. It was fun as shit to watch and the price was right, especially during the offseason for NFL/College Football......Go Redskins!

Title Game Challenge

With the NCAA title game tonight its time to look back at how well our brackets went. At the start of all this Chris had quite a bit of confidence in the Big East. Luckily for me, Chris picked the three Big East powers to the final four giving him no shot at beating me in our bracket challenge when none of them pulled through for him. So now that I have officially dominated him, we want to know what you think. We are going to give away a 50 dollar gift certificate to Shop47 to whoever guesses the winner with the closest score. To qualify, you must be a registered commenter through cocomment, and post your picks and scores in the comment section of this post. We will notify the winner tomorrow morning. Good luck! 

Were in Wyoming darling.

TC: JC17 on the Rumors

TC: Do Chris and Jason Get Along

We have been getting a lot of emails concerning Jason Campbell lately...weird. Anyway, one of the main questions getting asked is "Does Chris like Jason?"

They go on family vacations to Disney World on the bye week. Enough said?