Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Z's Finger

There was a little bit of nervous excitement at Redskins park for my hardworking, blogger of a brother Tanner. I have invited him down to the team cafeteria for lunch the last couple days and we've sat and shot the shit with different guys. We actually had a 30 minute conversation about contracts and a rookie salary cap with Joe Theisman yesterday, which was really cool. So this morning after practice we headed downstairs to grab a bite before the afternoon break and I not only brought my brother, but also my cousin Ryan.

As camp began a couple weeks ago the team had an initial rules meeting and I have to say that I vaguely recall the cafeteria rules being that only players could eat in the players area. There was also a couple different areas, one for the coaches and another for the helpers. The helpers tables being the ones that seem to be quarantined off to the back of the room where no one could possible hear or see anything. The thing is, as camp has dragged on I kinda dismissed the eating rule and had Tanner come down for a couple meals.

This morning ended the free lunch for family spree. After heading downstairs, I went ahead and got my food, then sat down to eat. As I glanced up out of the corner of my eye I saw Z's finger sternly beckoning Ryan as he piled the food on his plate. Head on a swivel he then quickly surveyed the lunchroom, finding Tanner and giving him an assertive, pointing c'mere, like "I caught you buddy." I watched from afar as the lecture went on for the next couple minutes, only guessing what was being said. I then watched while I continued to eat as they quietly crept around the corner like scolded puppies to the last of the workers tables.I went ahead and finished my meal in the players section before heading over to calm the two sulking little kids at the back table. I couldn't help but laugh as I got there and Tanner asked me if Z was gone yet so he could leave. I tried to confirm that it wasn't a big deal and that Z really wasn't mad at him, but he wouldn't leave his hidden table until I went back and checked if the head man was gone. Finally they talked me into a spy mission and we decided I would make a bird sound if Z wasn't there and we could leave. So with no head man in sight I made a screeching ka-kaaa we headed out the side door. As we got to the car both Tanner and Ryan had come up with a bunch of ideas on how to have better handled the situation. Hindsight solutions are always much more creative and while we laughed off their scolding, I though it would be fun to share a couple brilliant ways to handle a head coach.

By the way, before I share anything else, I would like to state that I am the one writing this story because Tanner is still scared of upsetting Z. So his point of view will be null and void for this story. Let me reiterate, Tanner wants nothing but to be on Zorn's good side. Also, feel free to share any other fantastic ideas in the comment area. Thanks.

- Drop plates of food at Z's feet and run.
- Pee in pants, slowly watching a puddle accumulate on the floor. Maintain a half grin of warm pleasure.
- Collapse into a full epileptic seizure - avoid banging head too hard on the ground.
- Shrug shoulders, laugh loudly while telling Z what a good joke that was. Congratulate him again having such a great sense of humor, then give him a friendly back handed tap in the nut sack before making their way to my table.
- Slowly, but carefully fold money in hand while he is lecturing, then using the appropriate tipping method, slip in a 20, and tell him to give you the best table he can find.
- Pull pants down, wait for spanking.
- Kiss him on the lips, tell him he is a beautiful man and you think about him every night. Tell him what a lucky woman his wife is. Gently grab his biceps before walking away. Sigh softly.
- Tell him to hold on for a second, then answer pretend phone call, say hello loudly to president Obama. Hold up finger, asking for minute then casually stroll away.
- "Hey Jim. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later"

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32 comments:

Bring a lunch pail next time...

Tell Z you'll "take it into consideration" and then slap him on the butt (you know like all the football players do) and walk away...

Or tell him "the next time you point at me boy, I BETTER have something on my face!"

As a fan its hard to imagine Zorn really mad. He looks so calm on TV. If it were me I would pick curl up in fetal position. Or: duck-tape self to goal post... Or apologize and offer to help Zorn with next wacky sideline innovation.

hahaha - love the "dumb and dumber" line

Bring him some sort of peace offering. Maybe sacrifice your finest cow in his honor. Fruit baskets work. Have Tanner and Ryan approach him, heads down looking at there feet and let out a "were sooooorrrrry" (say it like a child).

Really good idea would have been to tap Zorny on the nose 3 times while saying "boop, boop, boop" (Superbad style).

Could always Raging Bull him

The Dumb and Dumber line is killer.

run away screaming COACH Z IS SEXUAL HARRASSING ME!!!

offer to buy him a drink and get him drunk enough that he spills or does something that would be/become a deep dark hidden under his matress secret

tell him you know in a real sly voice until he thinks you know a secret about him

get green man to kick him in the balls (saw him at a game last season)

kick him in the balls and run away never to return to the tri-state area, seattle, or anywhere he will and might be

make him feel guilty the he helped coach hasselback into a good quarterback who beat us out of the playoffs twice

mindcrush him

give him a "hip hip hoooooray" ..

I would yell... "I swear I did not know she was your daughter!!"

Take a roll off of your plate and shove it in his mouth ... mid-sentence. Then proceed to any table you wish and patiently wait for security.

-"squishy, isn't it?"
-"food fiiiiight!!"

umm...

"Sea Bass and the fellas offered

to pick up our check. They said just

add this to their tab."

Too Funny got love the family love... Coach Z man gotta calm him down way too early to get this excited... Can't wait to see you in Charlotte and GA. Get a couple TD's!!! Have a super season SO Ready for FOOTBALL! HTTR

Zornstar sounds like my dad.

Cooley, my wife took my two little boys to Skins camp last week and took a pic of you riding your golf cart to practice. Your boy CB5 totally blew them off, though. In his defense, it was raining, but CB5 has been his favorite QB since his junior year at Hawaii. Now he's telling me his favorite QB is Eli Fricking Manning because CB5 ignored him. Kids are funny, but he was all emotional.

Oh well, at least he's not a Romo fan.

Yell out a loud "No, I will not make out with you!!" Billy Madison style.

Ok. A couple of different things you can do

1) Tell Zorn that Vinny asked you to bring the food up to his office for Mike Shannahan, with whom he is meeting.

2) Tell him Portis said he was allowed to eat in the team section of the dining room.

3) Have Chris, Colt, Todd, or JC come up to Zorn and say he's with me, this is part of a make a wish foundation. You just denied a kid dying of cancer his last wish. Way to go dick.

Cooley, Dude.
You've been on my Fantasy team 3 years straight.
I like you ..
BUT
follow the rules
AND score TDs. Okay ?

Peeing your pants is cool. I'd go with that one. Or challenge him to a staring contest. "You, me, staring contest. Go! You win again; you always do. Goulet!!"

Nothing beats working out to Coconut Bangers Ball.. it's a rap baby.

I suggest you just mimick the coach with all his movements and what he says at the same time he does it until he leaves in frustration and bewilderment.

How about looking him dead in the eye and say "Who the F*#K are you? Do you work here or something?"

pull a family guy and start yelling I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AN ADULT!!!

How about not making a ka-kaaa sound the week you are playing the Ravens?

Maybe point at your junk and say "What are you waiting for? It ain't gonna suck itself!"

Looking at him angrily and puzzled:

"who do you think i am, durant brooks???"

Have Tanner ask him: "Does this mean I got cut?"

They should bring in a dozen roses tomorrow with a "sorry" card attached. Remember, 12 roses means I am sorry and one means I love You. Hope you bring in a dozen!

In a loud voice say "I totally agree that Dallas sucks and yes, we are gonna kick their bastard asses!

"Hey Jim. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later".

Classic, just classic.

Ok...this shit is funny !!! Not only are you cracking my ass up...But the responses are killing me...

I say:

Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you're ripping my card.

Mr. Hand: Yes.

Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what's your problem?

Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.

Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!

I think you know where to make changes !

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