Wednesday, January 21, 2009

FWG: Ellen is my new Boomer

I won’t say it’s tough being me. Its not. But I will say I find some hilarity in life’s everyday grind. For instance, today I am waiting to go get brunch. While my girlfriend takes nothing short of 4 hours getting ready, I find myself completely sucked in to the day’s line up of day-time talk shows. Ellen. Bonnie Hunt. The View. I like to call that Holy Trinity. 2 million housewives across the country, and one 23 year old, balding, football player. The worse part, I was completely engrossed in this, my attention broken only by ITT Tech commercials. Day time TV is truly entertainment for people saving up to win the lottery. It is mind numbing and amazing, and I sat their glued to it. Nothing else mattered besides Ellen’s hunt for George Clooney, Bonnie’s hunt (pun intended) for another dog, and The View women talking about their latest trip to the gym.
I was sold. I wanted to know how to take 4 inches of my waist. I needed to know why Nicollette Sheraton couldn’t find love. I even wanted to know how much Whoopie Goldberg weighed. Apparently this is the off-season for me. Watching pro football and the college all star games, training, and losing 4 hours of my life to daytime network television.

I tried to pry myself from the couch, but my only excursion away from the television set was to get more snacks. Call it the Oprah effect, but these women were all asking questions that I wanted the answers too. I could get the scores from Sports Center, but would Chris Berman tell me that steaming my veggies in the microwave could give me cancer? The answer is a remorseful, “No.”

So let me issue a suggestion (warning even) to fat guys everywhere: The Celtics can wait, and the Pats aren’t in the post-season picture. It’s time to figure out why your girlfriend thinks you don’t listen and why Whoppi over-eats. Add that to your daily television lineup and you will be a better man for it.

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