One thing I won’t miss: The Piss Test.
It is very apparent to me that we cannot get enough talk about the penis staring piss test....Never enough talk about penis' for that matter, as I well know. But sorry for the interruption Rob, continue with your story.
Over the 5 years of my collegiate career I had my urine tested for performance enhancing and street drugs close to 15 times. That’s three times a year. There is the mandatory pee test at the beginning of training camp, and then some randomly selected moments of awkwardness as the season progresses.
15 times? I laugh at that. I easily knock out 15 a year.
Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.
I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you.
Let me explain: No one knows the test is coming except for our medical staff. We practice about two hours and coach call it practice up (like he does everyday). He makes his announcements, gives his spiel, and then says, “The following guys go with Bob” (Bob Howard being our head trainer). Name called = go pee. You make no stops, proceed directly to the testing room. In your pads. I’m not wearing a Pizzicato (how could I pull that off all practice?), so the entire looking at my twig and berries is totally unnecessary.
I dislike the dick watcher as much as anyone, but I feel like I can play devils advocate for the story. Consider a guy going to unimaginable lengths and wearing the whizinater out to the field every day. He just suctions it on and goes to work....every single day... no big deal once you get used to it. I mean, some guys might choose to go to major lengths to stay off the illegal drug list - it is a pretty big violation at any level. If this could possibly be happening we need to reevaluate our piss man's ability to determine a real or fake. Really, if your job is looking at wieners all day, then you will definitely see a variety of them, big ones, small ones, black and white ones, you even get the luxury of the uncircumcised ones. Lets just say he sees an average of 10 different dongs a day. You're telling me he can definitely, for sure, no questions asked tell if there is a fake. I don't believe it! The porn industry can create a pretty realistic looking member, so why couldn't a very real one be made to be filled with piss? With this information coming to light I think sports may have to come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to expand the job duties of the piss watcher and allow him to go ahead and hold it for you. Now that makes a good blog! Yep, it would be awfully weird, but with technology advancing in the drug and penis industries, it may be our next and only option. So Rob, while your penis will be free of foreign eyes, mine may be on the brink of strange hands.
Anyways, back to reality. When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.
"What happened Rob?"
"Nothing! No one!..." Followed by a long, hot shower.
I once spent over two hours in the bathroom with a large black man while I tried to overcome a case of the stage fright. It was the off season and I had just finished up a workout, showered, pissed in the shower and got ready to head home. On my way out of the locker room the guy grabs me and says "Glad I caught you, I would have had to drive out to your house tonight." Well, he may as well have. I tried to piss ten different times. It was dribbles going into that cup. Two hours of pants around the ankles piss examination and I finally finished the job. Way fun!
Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"
How does this guy pick up women at a bar? (“So what do you do for a living? Oh, I work with piss all day. Dark piss, light piss, all kinds of piss. I’m the piss man!” Or how does he talk about his day over dinner with his wife? I don’t want to imagine those conversations.
The guy from the Patriots tells his wife about Tom Brady's hog. At least he's got interesting table talk.
Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.
Yes! Female testers!
So while I will miss a lot about being a college football player; the fans, the parties, the winning, the friends. I won’t miss having another grown man admire my manhood as I force evacuate urine through ever reluctant bladder.
Good talk buddy. Lots of excitement thinking of amusing anatomy descriptions, female testers fitting the new job description of holder, and Tom Brady's hog on my dinner table. Wawow!